When You're Single and You Have Baby-Fever

There is a great dying to self in waiting.

Your hopes don’t match up with where you currently are, and no matter how big or small the desire is, you notice it missing, and there is a great dissonance of heart there.

A wise priest once told me that dying to self is difficult because it involves dying. Which is very difficult. Dying is one of the hardest things humans experience in their lifetime. And yet Christ calls us to die to ourselves, to His (better) Will, every day.

Maybe it’s waiting for a new job opportunity. Or a college application to come back. Maybe it’s waiting to hear back from someone after you’ve asked them on a date. Maybe it’s waiting to have children.

Your state of life does not always line up with what you want. Have you noticed that in your life? I have spent my fair share of years desiring something that I did not have… from a car, to living on my own, to traveling out of the country, to children.

I spent years wanting children.

Ironically, I had spent the better part of two decades before that swearing I would never have them. But then things changed within my heart, and I wanted them. Badly. Every day. And it seemed like the more I wanted them the more people in my life started having babies. Everyone, except me. 

Now, there is a great deal to be said about wanting to be in a phase of life that you are not currently in. (Read: you should learn to love just where you are at) Very wise words have been written on this topic many times, and we ought to listen to at least some of them because they know what they are talking about!

But. And this is a big but… there is also deserved space to be given to those of us who desire a different phase of life from the one we are currently in. (Read: it’s okay to want something holy like children even if you don’t have them) 

So, if no one has said this to you yet: it is okay to want children even if you are nowhere close to having them. Children are a holy, consuming gift. They are not given equally to all women. And they are Christ’s light on this Earth. Jesus knew what He was talking about when He said we all ought to strive for childlike faith. 

And, if no one has said this to you yet either: the Lord has not forgotten you.

I cannot speak to His plans for you, but I will promise you that a Father as perfect and as loving as Him never forgets His daughter. And you are His daughter.

Saint Augustine says that the “entire life of a good Christian is in fact an exercise of holy desire.” If you are a single woman and you are desiring children, that is a holy desire. You probably also desire a husband? That is another holy desire.

Saint Augustine goes on to say that “you do not yet see what you long for, but the very act of desiring prepares you, so that when he comes you may see and be utterly satisfied.” To me, that means that desiring to have children in and of itself if part of preparing to have children. And the same goes for marriage—desiring to be married is in and of itself an important part of preparing for marriage. But I have other key pieces of advice too, some I so badly needed to hear during my years of yearning, and some that have been too good to ever forget. 

Surround yourself with like-minded women.

Iron sharpens iron—I believe this so deeply!—and I would take care to pay attention to the kind of iron you are surrounding yourself with. It is so helpful to find solidarity with other men and women who are in a similar if not the same position as you are. And it makes a big difference to be able to talk to someone openly about the struggle you are going through, and know that they actually do understand what you are saying. If you are able, make some friends with other single women who also desire a family. The only thing worse than struggling is struggling alone; a community of like-minded women helps a lot with that.

Pray for your future family.

This doesn’t even have to be something where you are spending more time thinking about a family that you don’t yet have than you already are (i.e. praying a daily rosary for them). I know that that can actually be really difficult, and not very helpful. Perhaps you tell the Lord that “this week, I will offer up ___ for my future spouse and children.” That could be doing the dishes, cleaning your home, preparing a meal, your commute to work, etc. And then, your active prayer is lifted up to the Lord, and those intentions are being heard.

Pray to Mother Mary in sharing some solidarity with her.

Like I said earlier, there is so much goodness in solidarity. And the Blessed Mother knows how to wait. She had to wait for Jesus to be born, and she had to wait three days to finally find Him in the Temple preaching, and she had to wait for 30 years before Her Son started His public ministry. She had to wait those grueling hours for Her Son to die on the cross, and then three whole days for Him to rise again. Mary knows how to wait. And I would suggest praying to her and asking for the grace that comes with waiting. Because we know there is grace in it. 

Remind yourself that it is possible to want children AND find joy in where you are right now.

Of all the wise things that are said about learning how to love where you are right now because there is so much goodness to be had in that, there is also merit in the proposal that you can desire to have something you don’t yet have (children) while also finding joy where you currently are (singlehood). The two, even though they are opposites, can coexist in the same place. And it is okay that that happens for you. I would even dare to say it is a good thing to learn how to do, as this won’t be the last time in your life that two opposite feelings will collide in one space.

Desiring children is a holy desire.

And even though that desire may not be fulfilled anytime soon, that doesn’t make it any less holy. I know it is a very difficult space to be in, but know that solidarity, Mother Mary, and learning to hold opposite feelings in the same space are fantastic practices to integrate into your life.