How to Win in a Battle Against Negative Thoughts
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Do you struggle with negativity, like I do?
It’s generally not a good idea to broadcast one’s flaws, particularly on a dating site. For the present purposes, however, it is necessary to say that I am often a very negative person. I’m the sort who, when told that every cloud has a silver lining, is apt to answer, “I am sure that’s a great comfort during tornado season.”
As I say, this negativity is a flaw. Other people don’t like it, and it has serious drawbacks for your own life. Negativity causes you to hold back, to resist opportunities for growth, to hide your lamp under a bushel because you’re convinced the wind will blow it out otherwise (or that you might accidentally set the house on fire). To be afraid of doing wrong or be convinced they can’t do anything anyway is the leading cause of good people doing nothing. And we all know what happens when good people do nothing.
I am working on correcting this in myself. For the sake of anyone in a similar position, I want to offer some observations that I have found to be helpful.
First, we must recognize that negativity is a temptation.
If you suffer from negative thoughts, odds are that you, to some extent, enjoy them. Maybe not in themselves (nobody likes the idea “I’m ugly and no man would ever want me”), but because they allow us to feel that the world, in some sense, owes us. It’s not our fault that we are where we are; things are just so unfair. We are the persecuted, the victims, les miserables. Woe is us!
In short, it gives us a kick to wallow in our own sense of misfortune and misery. It creates a Byronic sense of tragic drama, and it allows us to feel righteous without effort.
But God doesn’t want petty, woe-is-me types who are too gloomy to accept His gifts (remember Our Lord’s rhetorical query “which of you by worrying can add one cubit to your span?”), and other people don’t like ‘wet socks’ who are always finding excuses to be miserable or to pass up on opportunities. Negative thoughts are a temptation like any other and must be fought as such.
That out of the way, how do you oppose negative thoughts?
Well, with positive thoughts, of course.
But that doesn’t mean quite what you might think it means. It isn’t a matter of thinking happy thoughts and finding you can fly, like Peter Pan. The positive needs to answer the specific negative.
If your thought is “I am ugly and no man will ever want me,” it does no good to think “but at least I have my health.” Your health is not what you were worried about. You may as well say, “On the bright side, President Davis, your azalea bushes are doing quite nicely.”
Nor would it be much good to say “I am not ugly! I am beautiful!” To be blunt, that may be simply untrue. Even if it isn’t, you cannot convincingly tell yourself that, for your judgment is already skewed in the opposite direction and trying to convince yourself of something that you yourself have judged (correctly or not) to be false is a fool’s errand.
The truth is that most negative thoughts are, at root, fear. The important point of the example above is not “I am ugly” but “no man will ever want me.” It is fear of loneliness that drives that particular thought and gives it its power. In other cases, it may be something like fear of being miserable your whole life, or fear of being humiliated, or fear of being a failure.
Therefore, in the example above, even if you could convince yourself that you are beautiful, that would not solve the real problem. The fear of being alone would simply manifest itself in some other form (and when it comes to shaky, self-created convictions like that, this usually involves bitterness and resentment at other people).
To counteract negative thoughts, then, requires you to first ask "what am I afraid of"?
For instance:
“I’m stupid.” So what? “So, that means people look down on me.” So what if they do? “That means no one will respect me enough to give me a job and no woman will ever want to marry me!”
Once you find this fear, you can then counteract it with positive thoughts, such as “Yeah right; I’m smart and fun-loving enough that most guys will look past my plainness, especially if I’m not constantly worrying about it,” or “People only really look stupid when they’re trying not to; if I’m honest, humble, and open to learn, then those who count will respect me for it.”
It won’t happen overnight, but once you are aware of what drives your negative thoughts, then you can start to answer them effectively.
You can also recall that you aren’t expected to have these things perfectly worked out. People generally aren’t counting on you to be the smartest, prettiest, most sophisticated person in the room (or if so, it’s likely they already think you are).
You can start to recall that fear itself often does more harm than the thing feared, or that these particular fears are highly unlikely. Or that, in any case, God is the one in charge and He doesn’t expect or demand you to be perfect just yet; only to do what you can.
The battle is yours, the victory is His.
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