In This Time of Extraordinary Loneliness
27
You could say that 2020 has brought a lot of changes to life.
In the span of a few weeks earlier this year, I voluntarily left my job, (I’ve consistently worked since I was 16), had my first baby, and began navigating new motherhood in the wake of a global pandemic.
My husband was able to stay home for several weeks (thanks be to God) before he went back to work as a pediatric trauma nurse, where he’s gone from 6 am to sometimes 8 or 9 pm. We had family out in the initial days of our daughter’s life but beyond the first two weeks, it was just us, as they stayed at home in a different state per national guidelines.
Motherhood has been a complete head-to-toe renewal for me in ways that would take me hours to articulate. It’s been a personal, beautiful transformation. It’s also been one of the loneliest times I’ve been through. And although I know some of the loneliness can be attributed to the fact that I am a new mother, a lot of it has to do with going through this time of extended quarantine.
I’ve gone through different stages of loneliness these past few months—I’m sure you have too.
Stages of shock, like is this really what’s going on in the world right now?
Stages of grief, like I don’t want this to be happening, and yet it is. I really wish this wasn’t how things were, and yet they are. There are events, people, places now that are crossed off my planner. Important moments missed altogether or pushed back to an unknown date.
I’ve been through stages of loss: loss of direction, loss of motivation, loss of determination. Even loss of hope. And with churches closing and Mass obligation being dispensed, loss of parts of my faith life.
I’ve also been through stages of sadness and anxiety over so much alone time. I mean, I knew that I liked people, I knew that I liked being around them and that I thrived off of social time. But I didn’t anticipate it affecting me like this! I’m sure you didn’t either.
I didn’t anticipate technology—which pulls through for so much, which makes SO MUCH possible in this world—to fall short of what my heart and mind and soul desired so deeply: authentic connection.
Navigating this loneliness has been messy.
The road has been jagged. Some days are better than others, some days I don’t feel as disconnected. But most I still do. If this is you, too, know you are not alone. It is okay to feel this way. It is okay to go through all the emotions, and then go through them again and again.
Our hearts are human. Our hearts were made for connection. They were made for community by Jesus Christ. Having those foundational attributes not met—as they cannot be under quarantine and time apart from our loved ones, ensures difficulties to come our way.
I don’t want any of the following to come across as if I have it all figured out, or as if they have worked overnight for me and I no longer feel loneliness. This time we are living in is extraordinary. And there is mercy to be had on ourselves for going through it. But these are things I am currently focusing on, and these are things that are working for me in that they make me feel less lonely, and I think they will work for you too.
Just add water.
This is something I have adopted into my parenting but I think it serves well for everyone too, inspired by Lauren at Brick House in the City. And it truly is as simple as it comes across: just add water. It is holy in the Bible, it is holy for Jesus, and it can be holy for us as well.
Whether it’s just drinking some water, blessing yourself (or your home) with some Holy Water, or taking a bath (or shower!), adding water changes things. All of the above always make me feel better.
Meditating on the Stations of the Cross.
I picked up a book on Ignation prayer of the Stations of the Cross from the Bible, rather than the stations most commonly found in Churches. I’ve been going through a station a week, and it’s been affecting my heart and my prayer life and, especially, my unconscious connection with Jesus throughout the day. In the beginning of the book, the author touches on the idea of learning how to suffer well and die to self well. He elaborates further that what we do when we are under pressure reveals who we are, and that when Jesus was under pressure, water, blood and tears came forth.
What comes forth from you? (Panic? Doubt? Anger? Peace? Trust?) I think in this time, suffering—in all the different forms that it can take depending on our position and personalities—is something we are all being touched by. I desire to suffer well. I know I currently don’t. And so I want to learn.
The same goes with dying to self: I want to do it well (in motherhood, in my vocation as a wife, in my identity as a daughter of God), I know I don’t, and so I am trying to learn. It’s been really kind, and really beautiful. I invite you to do the same.
(Praying to) grow in humility.
I think a big part of loneliness is that we realize we cannot do it all alone. We realize that we do in fact need other people. We realize that although we knew we would miss not being able to physically attend Mass, we underestimated how our absence would affect us to our core.
And so I have been trying to focus on humility, in the realization that because I cannot do it alone I ought to invite Christ to come along with me, since He alone is the Prince of Peace. Two prayers that have helped me in that have been the Litany of Humility and Litany of Trust. And then there are the ones that come straight from the heart: Jesus, be here with me. Jesus, I feel lonely, remind me of your presence. Jesus, heal my heart.
This time we are in—life during a global pandemic, with all the uncertainty, lack of sacraments, lack of human connection, overflow of anxiety and unanswered questions—it’s just a time. It’s not forever. Just because we don’t see the finish line right now doesn’t mean it isn’t there.
You are doing better than you think you are. You are not alone in any of your struggles. You are never a burden to anyone for reaching out to talk. You are loved so deeply by the Father. He sees you. He knows you. He wants you. He is here in the desert, too.
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