Are Arranged Marriages the Best Option?

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Fresh from the CatholicMatch forum comes the $64,000 question...

Is it realistic to share reciprocal love with the person you marry, or is it more practical to settle?

"My great-grandmother's mom arranged for her to marry the 'old bachelor' when she was 14. The next day, she ran home to her mother and complained about how awful it was in this man's dirty house, etc. etc. Her mother told her that she must learn to live with him and go back to her new husband. While I am horrified at the idea of being forced to marry someone that I do not even fancy, as my great-grandmother was, she grew to love this man and wrote a memoir of her life, her love, and her fondest memories, husband and all. She did not seem distressed. She seemed happy."

It seems indeed that great-grandma's arranged marriage was successful in the end. That is, if it was a marriage at all. The writer uses the word "forced." So before we go on, we need to make a distinction: arranged marriages are not the same as forced marriages. A forced marriage is not a valid marriage because the parties must freely take their vows.

According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, "The Church holds the exchange of consent between the spouses to be the indispensable element that 'makes the marriage.' If consent is lacking there is no marriage."

So if great-grandma was truly forced, there was no marriage, only the appearance of one, no matter how successful the relationship became in the end.

Now, if great-grandma's mom merely arranged a match and great-grandma consented and undertook her vows freely and with full intent on fulfilling them, her marriage was valid—even if she did run home to mother the next day because she caught great-grandpa letting the dog wash the dishes. If they were married in the Church, not only was the marriage valid, it was sacramental, meaning that there was supernatural help to make it successful.

Arranged marriages can be successful.

Let's define the word: successful. Great-grandma's marriage was successful, not just because it lasted, but because great-grandma learned to love great-grandpa. Didn't St. Francis de Sales say to "learn to love by loving?" Great-grandma did that and achieved her goal—a deep and lasting love.

Here it is important to point out that just because a marriage is arranged does not mean that love is missing at the outset. In Christian cultures that practice arranged marriages, love is a necessary part of the arrangement. My good friend in college, Ewenet, came from the educated class in Ethiopia. I remember her telling how her parents were happily married and that their marriage had been arranged.

All this meant was that both sets of grandparents had scoped out the possible eligible matches within their peer group and had set up the meeting. Ewenet's parents were free to say yes or no. They were free to get to know each other first and to fall in love before they got married.

While we are on the topic, see the movie Arranged. (Prime has it.)

It's an independent film based on the screenwriter's real life, living and working in New York City, in the Orthodox Jewish community and facing the pressures of finding a mate in that extremely small circle. Practicing Catholics can certainly relate to that!

How is Rochel, our heroine, to get the job done? With the help of her relatives who love her and who understand their culture but also have their antiquated system of blind dates and high expectations and just hurry up you're not getting any younger!

Along the way, Rochel meets and befriends a young Muslim woman, Nasira, who is also facing an arranged marriage within her small community. Nasira puts up a fight when Baba brings home a toothless old bachelor. But there's more to the movie than family pressures and blind dates.

Rochel also encounters the outside world and its system of dating. The scene where she overhears her co-worker talk about looking through her live-in boyfriend's sock drawer and finding a big beautiful diamond ring is like Jeremiah's lament, "Why does the way of the wicked prosper?" 12:1

Secular people seem to have no trouble. Since there are few or no restrictions, there are plenty of choices out there. So it seems. But does Rochel really want to compromise her conscience and throw out her religion to get what she wants?

Such are the questions the movie raises.

I'll say no more about because I don't want to give the story away. See it. Better yet, host a screening as a single's event at your parish, with discussion and snacks to follow. (It's a clean movie.)

We do not live in a culture of officially arranged marriages but that does not mean that finding a mate needs to be a shot in the dark across a crowded bar. Your relatives and friends are, like Ewenet's, uniquely positioned to introduce you to like minded people of your own faith from a similar background. So it is realistic and practical to start with them.

To figure out where to go from there, think of your life in concentric circles, each community group you are in—family, friends, school, parish, work, and CatholicMatch of course! Each offers different opportunities for you to meet potential mates. Joining groups, showing up at meetings and events, communicating, staying connected, and going out of your comfort zone all put you in touch with people who can up your chances of finding the one.

Speaking of "the one," does such a person exist or is it more practical to settle?

The writer asks: "What is realistic? What is practical? Where is happiness and contentment to be had? Is it a deception to think that I will be more happy with one person than another? If that is a deception, should I just settle down if someone loves me no matter what, even if I do not love them the same?"

Whether it is practical would depend on the situation. If you are 107 years old and you marry your nurse so you can have her around 24/7 and then she can inherit all your property when you die, yes, sounds practical to me. But if you have to ask if you should settle, I think you already know the answer.

How would you feel if your spouse didn't really love you but married you because he couldn't find anybody he really did love? How would you feel if your best friend only hung out with you because nobody better was available?

Finally, since the forum writer is only 26, and I stress the word "only", I think these questions are really about frustration with the difficulties involved in finding someone to love who loves you back. I get that. That is the drama of every human relationship, be it with your spouse, your kids, or your best friend. But especially your spouse. Love is what you want when you get married, not just a comfortable home ala Charlotte Lucas.

This is what we all want because that is what God made us for. His love for us is the whole reason we exist and its depths are unfathomable! So he created us to mirror his love especially in the holy Sacrament of Matrimony. So, yes, with God's grace it is realistic to love the person you marry first. And if you want happily ever after, then learn to love by loving.

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