How to Navigate 3 Typical Pitfalls of Online Dating

I recently discussed here at CatholicMatch my moral challenges with online dating—as well as how I met my wife through CatholicMatch! Now I'll address some practical aspects of online dating, namely: navigating safety, chastity, and whether it's okay to date more than one person at the same time.

1. For the first meeting and especially if it's been long-distance, it's important to make your date feel safe.

Traditional dating has its physical, emotional, and other risks. For many Catholics looking for Catholic spouses, some of those risks are reduced—you’re more likely to meet someone through a social group or a Bible study or at Mass instead of at a bar. In other words, someone you know or who knows people you know, whose character you may be able to at least partially verify.

Online dating is often very different.

For women, this can be especially risky—who knows if the guy on the other side of the computer is safe to be with?

My tactics to reassure women were to give my full name and add the person on Facebook before we met in-person. I have written a lot about chastity, abstinence before marriage, abortion, Catholicism, and contraception—it’s all easily found on Google. And my Facebook photos are very family-friendly.

For long-distance online daters: when my wife came to visit me for our first date, I paid for her ticket and secured a place for her to stay with female friends. (The ticket was purchased last-minute, so her staying at my friends’ house was meant to ensure we could afford the trip!) I picked her up at the airport, handed her a flower, and kept a solid physical distance to assure her comfort.

All of this was meant to help my now-wife be reassured that respecting her safety and boundaries were paramount in my mind.

2. Trust your gut and observe your date to discern what they really think about chastity.

While members of both sexes also lie about their views on chastity, I have heard many shocking stories from women who were tricked by men. Others have told me that men have honestly tried to live up to chastity—especially the abstinence portion—for their partner’s sake, despite not holding the value themselves.

These are especially valid concerns when it comes to online dating, when you may not know your potential partner well at first.

It is my strong recommendation that both sexes engage in research to ensure their potential partner’s honesty about chastity. Watch how your date handles physical affection—does he move too quickly, does she respect your professed boundaries, how does he handle you saying “no” to physical affection? Are your specific moral challenges with regards to dating respected?

Both sexes should avoid dating someone who does not follow the Church’s teachings on chastity—even if they promise to uphold chastity for you. As a man who was abstinent until marriage and who strives to be chaste, it was tough to uphold that even with a girlfriend, then a fiancée, who agreed on these principles. And based upon conversations with many women, it is often tough for women to overcome their desire to please a significant other when it comes to physical affection.

Men, you know how hard chastity is. If a woman doesn’t agree with you on it, she may not hold you accountable. As partners in relationships, you are responsible for yourself and your partner.

These principles are sound no matter where one meets a potential spouse, and they apply to areas of Catholic teaching besides chastity. However, they are especially important when it comes to chastity, an especially challenging moral arena for modern Catholics.

And when it comes to physical affection, a good rule of thumb is just to check in with each other.

Be sure to check in with your significant other about physical affection. I don’t mean asking before a first kiss (though that was my general practice, since I don’t read women well). I mean periodically asking if the physical affection you are engaging in is okay.

Everyone has days where emotions and hormones run higher or lower. It is better to be more cautious than less, especially since many practical aspects of chastity are highly personalized.

3. If you are dating more than one person at once (which isn't morally wrong!), you have to be transparent about it.

I’m not a fan of “playing the field.” It feels manipulative or even dishonest to casually date two or more people at the same time. However, it’s not. There is nothing morally wrong with “seeing” multiple people as long as you intend to be exclusive with one person once things get serious.

Catholics may want to take a page from the Mormon dating playbook. Many of my D.C.-area Mormon friends go on dates with friends and strangers alike, sometimes several in a single week. They are honest and transparent with each other, and use this tactic to ensure they are truly finding the right personality, values, and experiences that fit their own.

Yet many young adult Catholics seem to find “playing the field” problematic. For the very introverted, this makes sense—it takes a lot of “people energy” to date casually. But the fact is that it is very difficult after college to ensure regular interaction with potential dating partners. This means even casual dating has an additional artificial import—that guy must really like you to ask you out, and that girl must really be into you to say yes! (And so you’d both better make it work!)

Playing the field allows young adults to casually get to know multiple people with whom they may be compatible before finding an exclusive dating partner. Online, it can mean having e-mail chats, phone conversations, or even dates with multiple people instead of investing emotions and time into one person when time and emotions are limited.

Playing the field isn’t for everyone. But it should not be eliminated as a tactic for those for whom it could be useful.