2 Important Tips To Build Honesty In Your Relationships

 This is one reason why the dating process is so important... aside from the fun and romance, you learn how to communicate with each other. A big part of healthy communication and building trust between two people is being honest with each other. Everyone says they want honesty in their relationships, but how true is that, really? Is it possible that "being honest" really means "being faithful" instead? Is there ever a time when it's better to give your date a polite answer instead of an honest one?

I've gotten many emails over the years from men and women alike who complain about a lack of honesty from their dates, and I've also made a lot of observations about my own expectations of honesty and what others expect from me.

Somehow, it seems like people aren't even being honest with themselves about wanting a partner who is completely honest. Are you looking for 100% transparency? If so, how do you react to someone who is being totally honest with you? Here are some examples of what I've picked up on:

1. Female doesn't want to be strung along thinking the relationship is going somewhere when her date really has no intention of forging a long-term relationship, but when Male is honest and says it's time for both of them to move on, she becomes indignant, angry, and rude.

2. Male doesn't believe it's necessary to share absolutely everything that's happened in each of their pasts, but when something he doesn't approve of from female's past comes out into the open, he gets offended and takes the opinion that she was hiding it from him. He becomes suspicious of her behavior from that point forward.

3. Female gets her feelings hurt or is disappointed in some way by Male, but when he opens a path for discussion and asks her what's wrong, she responds with, "nothing's wrong." Yet, she remains quiet and harbors resentment.

4. Male assumes Female will take advantage of him somehow and eventually lie to him. Because of this, he maintains an attitude of suspicion and never really gives much of himself in the relationship because he is waiting for the moment Female proves him right.

5. Male and Female look for a new long-term relationship even though their hearts are still attached to someone else.

The Heart Of The Matter

I think it's fair to say that no one is perfect and we all sometimes keep a double standard.

Hearing something you don't like from someone you do like is hard. By the same token, all of us at one time or another have encountered the uneasy feeling of having to be honest about something that will likely hurt someone else. How does one get through these situations the right way and with the least amount of trouble possible?

I think there are a few things that will help anyone struggling with these issues to find some much needed balance and perspective:

1. Consider what is best for the person you are speaking with. In my opinion, honesty is always the best policy, but the delivery makes all the difference in the world. Be selective with your words and try to remember the second greatest commandment when speaking the truth, "Love your neighbor as yourself." If you know the truth you have to speak is going to hurt, think about how you would want to receive that truth and proceed accordingly.

This is also important to practice when you are tempted to be cynical and suspicious of your date. Sure, not everyone is forthcoming about their intentions and you may have been deeply hurt in the past, but when you begin dating someone new, is it fair to automatically be suspicious? It's really difficult to build a solid relationship that way. Try to find the balance between protecting yourself and giving your date the chance to prove herself or himself as someone who is trustworthy.

2. Learn to accept the truth with humility. For example, if your date can't see a future with you, it's a good thing to hear it now before you wake up 10 years down the road very unhappy and knowing you made a terrible mistake. Humility (not to be confused with being a doormat) is a very attractive quality and accepting the truth without turning into the Tazmanian Devil reveals the emotionally mature side of you.

Overall, solid, happy relationships are built on honesty and mutual trust. It creates healthy boundaries for couples and provides fertile ground for love to grow and people to feel safe and comfortable with each other. In the end, isn't that what you're looking for?

I welcome your comments and questions! Just send them to asklisa@catholicmatch.com.