Can We Still Be Friends After Breaking Up?

When you wish you could go back to the way it was before...

My boyfriend told me he's just not ready for a relationship right now. We were good friends before we dated so we've tried to go back to that. But it's not the same. To be honest, I keep hoping he'll change his mind... My friends keep trying to set me up with someone else. But I can't get over him.

That is hard and I am sorry. I hope it helps to know that is actually pretty common. The best place to meet potential dates is arguably in your sphere of friends.

The reason that you can't get over him is simple. It is because you are still seeing him. Stop. Today. And, the word is not boyfriend. It is ex-boyfriend. I don't say that to be harsh. I say it so that you don't linger on hoping for things to go back the way they were. That just prolongs the pain.

Unfortunately, it sounds like the word is also ex-friend. At least for right now. Maybe not forever. More on that later.

A lot of people who date their friends go through exactly the same thing.

So is it a bad idea from the start? I don't think so.

Being friends before you date is often a good basis for a long lasting marriage. You're less likely to choose someone based merely on animal attraction and more likely to go for someone who is personally compatible with you for the long term.

I was once Matron of Honor at the wedding of two people who were friends for a few years before they started dating. Back before they dated I remember thinking, and saying to my friend, "You and John would make a great couple." Turns out that they did and still do.

Yet I know lots of people who categorically will not date their friends. Why? The top reason they give is that they don't want to lose their friend if anything should go wrong. Breaking up would not just ruin a relationship, it would ruin a friendship. Everything would be awkward. They'd never be able to go back to the way things were before.

Frankly, I think this is just an excuse and the real reason is more like: "I'm not attracted to him that way." I never met a woman yet who liked a guy that way but wouldn't date him because it might mess up their bowling league.

What happens if you do find the person attractive and you go for it and then it doesn't work out?

There is no going back and pretending it didn't happen. If you only shared one or two dates, the first couple of close encounters will be awkward but things will probably even out after that.

If your relationship went further than that and you shared each other's dreams and confidences and even brought up the M word, you are probably not going to be the friends you once were. If you went so far as to become intimate and to share the same apartment ceiling, you can kiss your bowling buddy goodbye. Forget everything you learned at the movies. Intimacy is not recreation with no emotional strings attached. It is a bonding experience.

Just another reason you should save it for the covenant of marriage. Break ups after intimacy mean you probably still hold a piece of each other's heart. Maybe you don't want it anymore but you can't exactly stuff it in a bottom drawer, can you?

Maybe someday after you have both moved on, you can once again be on good terms with your ex. I doubt you'll be great friends but you'll at least have, "Hello, how are you, and what's the score?" For now, what you need is time apart to adjust your habits and thinking to be without the person.

That's how it usually goes anyway. Here is an exception to the rule:

The actress, Dolores Hart, who famously gave Elvis his first on screen kiss, broke up with her fiance to enter a convent. He not only never married, they stayed friends. He visited her regularly for the rest of his life.

But, you know what? They still didn't go back to how things were before. They went forward with a different set of expectations. Being married to Jesus puts you in a whole different league. Seriously, what man can compete with Him?

The rule for the average earthling however is: Move on. You need to accept that you will not be moving forward together. You need to get over each other, and close up the hole left by that missing piece. This will happen more easily if you are apart. Out of sight, out of mind. Your heart needs to be whole before you can give it to someone else completely.

So let those nice friends of yours set you up with someone else. Meeting someone new is a proven way to forget an old love. It helps you realize that there are more fish in the sea. It helps you realize you are still attractive. And it helps you wish the best for your ex-boyfriend. It might even help you to be friends again someday.