It's Easy to Say Don't Live Together, But Very Hard to Live It

Today, cohabitation is believed to be a necessary step in a relationship. With combined rent and shared space, why wouldn’t a couple choose to live together before marriage?

Despite the supposed benefits, research shows that cohabitation increases the probability of divorce, and the Church is also against it. For these reasons alone, I never desired to cohabitate before marriage.

Still, I learned early in my relationship with my (now) husband, that avoiding shared nights wasn’t going to be easy.

After college graduation, we found ourselves in a long-distance relationship. While I was away from home for grad school, he’d fly to see me every couple of weeks. Whenever we were together, we felt we were making up for lost time. This made it challenging to part at night, but we knew that this opened us up to strong temptations. So, at first, we always said goodnight when it got late.

Soon, he started staying in my apartment rather than a motel. He’d sleep on my small, uncomfortable living room futon, while I slept in my bed just a few feet away.

We thought this was the best solution, but we were only fooling ourselves.

Though we weren’t sharing a bed together, the temptation was becoming more enticing. We were also essentially mimicking marriage by waking up in the same place together, brushing teeth side by side and sharing morning coffee and breakfast. Though these things are culturally viewed as insignificant, I knew that we were basically dating as if we were already in a permanent relationship, but we weren’t.

Ultimately, we were settling for what was comfortable and easy, which I knew deep down would inevitably affect the future of our relationship. Even though our choices made life momentarily better, I could tell that it was becoming easier for us to cut corners and compromise standards. For the sake of our future marriage—be it with one another or not—I knew we’d have to commit to some difficult decisions.

Ultimately, my boyfriend decided to rent his own place. Though this wasn’t financially convenient for him since he worked out of town, his decision said so much to me. It was a sure sign that he was invested in us and willing to sacrifice for our relationship.

It was never easy.

We had to regularly recommit ourselves to the decision not to live together. The temptation to share nights and all of our time together was always there, and became even more difficult once we were engaged. Parting ways at night before our wedding felt silly, inconvenient, and unreasonable, but we trusted that it was best for the future of our marriage.

Through all our struggles, we both believe that it was one of the best decisions we ever made for our relationship.

Here are a few reasons why living separately helped us:

1. It helped us better appreciate the sacredness of marriage. Despite what society says, certain things are reserved for marriage. A couple simply cannot offer their whole lives to one another until they’ve freely made vows to love each other totally, faithfully, and fruitfully for the rest of their lives. Living together before marriage makes it seem as though you’re bonded in such a serious way, but in reality, you’re not. Waiting to live together until marriage helped us better appreciate that reality.

2. It helped safeguard us from obvious temptations. Simply said, it’s much harder to have sex when you’re not a few feet away from your significant other at night. Avoiding shared nights helped us avoid serious temptations and made it easier for us to be chaste before marriage. This became a cornerstone for our marriage, shaping the way we relate to one another with complete openness, trust, sincerity, and love.

3. It allowed us to be serious, while not feeling trapped. Today, sharing keys and a bed is seen as a sign of serious commitment. Yet, more often than not, these things end up making it harder on a relationship. Couples often end up feeling trapped in relationships because of shared housing contracts and physical bonds. These things make it harder to walk away when the relationship isn’t going well! Living apart made it easier for me and my husband to seriously commit to one another while dating, without feeling trapped by premature promises, physical ties, and contractual agreements.

4. It allowed time for proper discernment during the engagement period. Living apart before marriage gave us the freedom to purify our intentions, and the clarity to seriously contemplate what marriage would mean for our lives. It’s harder to consider these things when your life is already joined into one household!

5. It sweetened the newlywed experience. Avoiding cohabitation made our newlywed years together an adventure! So often, it’s the petty small things that build up and destroy relationships when space is shared so closely. For us, these weren’t deal breakers! We were excited about sharing our lives together, and open to the challenges our first few years of marriage would bring.

I know it’s not viewed as normal today to live apart before marriage, but I wholeheartedly believe that it is worth all the sacrifice and frustration. If you are struggling with this temptation in your relationship, offer it to God, and trust that His plan for your relationship is much more than you can ever imagine!

If you'd like to find out more about how to navigate what Catholics believe about sex in a world that is hostile to it: check out the ebook The Catholic Single's Guide to Sex.