Your Guide to Building a Marriage That Will Last

By any measure, marriage is under assault in today’s culture. Yet despite the high divorce rate numbers, we all seek to find that one person whom we cannot live without, who gives our life meaning and purpose, and with whom we can live in a loving and fulfilling relationship.

I found CatholicMatch to be more than just a dating service on the web. It is a venue to meet others who share a like mind, heart, and faith. Finding that special someone who shares your faith is a good start. It provides a foundation on which to build a relationship and, hopefully, a family in the years to come.

But the reality is that 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce, and the statistic is higher for second and third marriages.

That statistic is by no means a reason to avoid marriage. It is, however, a reason to study the factors that may undermine a marriage over time. And, armed with such knowledge, you can build a stronger marriage to withstand the gale force winds our culture unleashes against this holy sacrament.

We don’t need the Post-It Note stickiness. We need the Super Glue that binds hearts forever!

If we could bottle that kind of glue, we would be rich. But the type of glue we speak of is not some snake-oil concoction peddled from someone’s car trunk. No, the kind of glue we need is free but requires daily discipline that too few couples are willing to do, even if it helps to reduce the risk of a failed marriage. What kinds of Super Glue are we suggesting? Here are a few ideas.

Glue #1: Pray Together Stay Together

As marriages age, they tend to develop an “It’s about me” syndrome. That attitude of — I will follow MY heart, MY dreams. One complaint wives often have is feeling a sense of aloneness. The husband does his thing, and she does hers. They slowly drift apart. Praying together is an opportunity to bind hearts, to invite the Lord into our marriage by sharing prayer concerns, reading a devotional, and praying. Saying an Our Father or the Rosary are normal to-be-expected Catholic prayers. But my wife and I like to verbalize words from our hearts. As we hold hands, we praise God, confess our shortcomings, give thanks for His blessings, and petition His help with the burdens of our hearts. Praying for each other out loud goes a long way to building a sense of oneness, a spiritual intimacy that leaves little room for any feelings of being ignored or taken for granted. 

Glue #2: Friendship is foundational.

I  always considered my late wife my best friend. She was a true friend, honest at all times, always had my best interests at heart, and I always enjoyed her company more than anyone else. I trusted her and could share anything with her.  

When I decided to consider a new relationship via CatholicMatch, I placed friendship as the first priority, knowing that true love could blossom but only on a foundation of friendship. And if there is anything my CatholicMatch spouse shares in common with my late wife, it is that our marriage started as a friendship and has only grown stronger — not only in love but also in friendship.

Why do women divorce their husbands? One reason is neglect. If your wife is your best friend, and you act like best friends, neglect is never a feeling she will have.

Glue #3: Pursue Intimacy!

“The only time he pays attention to me is when he wants sex.” We all fall into routines. But guys, if sex has become only a means to satisfy your physical urges, do not be surprised if your wife loses interest. Treat her like an object, and she will eventually feel used, unappreciated, and, ironically, unloved. The glue that binds is true intimacy. That means being open to sharing your feelings. It means being tender in touch. When you both find contentment in the physical relationship, it is because you have connected emotionally and spiritually. Make love to her heart first.

Glue #4: Plan Together

I just had my car serviced, and it needed a Front End alignment. A Front-End alignment aims to align the two front tires/wheels to ensure that your suspension components are adjusted to the proper angles. When your wheels are properly aligned, it saves your tires, reduces their overall wear,  enhances your gas mileage, and makes for smooth steering. A marriage needs a periodic alignment, too.

My wife and I often discuss our plans, dreams, and ideas for living. “What do you think about this?” is a frequent phrase we hear from one another. We are both retired and have seven children and ten grandchildren between us. We often discuss plans to spend time with them. We discuss trips we’d like to make. After all, our clock is ticking!

We also set aside time every January to create our “Family Planning Goals.” We develop a list under such headings as Spiritual Growth, Marriage, Financial, Family, Physical Health, Work/Ministry, and Home Improvement Projects. You get the idea. For example, under Spiritual Growth, we listed a few goals such as:

• Develop a daily prayer life as individuals and as a couple
• Attend Mass at least one day during the week in addition to Sunday.
• Participate in a Bible Study
• Re-evaluate TV/Movie viewing habits

During the year, we adjust (re-align) those goals as needed. Last year, I had knee surgery, so I added a commitment to our physical goals to attend physical therapy twice a week and perform my PT exercises daily. I say “our” goals because my wife served (at my request) as my accountability partner to keep me honest and focused on what I needed to do to regain my flexibility. And I didn’t consider her a “nag” for doing so.

Glue #5: Always Keep Dating

I remember as our children grew up and went off to college, I was shocked at how many of their friends' parents got divorced. Later, I realized that one contributing factor was the children. Don’t misunderstand me. Children are a gift from God, but too many couples made their children their god. They focused all of their attention on the children and neglected their spouses in the process. They were so busy being parents that they forgot to be sweethearts. By the time they became empty nesters, the mother and father looked at each other and asked, “Who are you?” They had grown apart, and with the children up and gone, they discovered the children had been the only glue that kept them together.

My wife and I planned to have a weekly date night. We got a babysitter and looked for ways to spend time together, one-on-one, even if it was an inexpensive dinner at McDonald’s. We nurtured our relationship. We never stopped dating.

Now, in retirement, my wife and I spend most of our time together. We joke that we need a break at times. I play golf; she does her genealogy research.  But we still make time to “date.”  We treat a lunch or dinner out as a date and focus on talking to each other. Yes, conversation! Remember, dialogue is to love what blood is to the body.

The Ultimate Glue?

One anonymous philosopher once said, “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth, deal with it.” That may be one crude way of urging married couples to find the right glue. A much more honest and direct message is one by Pope St. John Paul II, who said, “Love between man and woman cannot be built without sacrifices and self-denial.” 

And as Bishop Robert Barron reminds us, “Your life is not about you!"