How to Prepare for Marriage While Living Long-Distance

Think your long-distance relationship might be leading to marriage?   

There's no doubt that long-distance relationships come with their share of strain. Emotional, physical, financial...to name a few! Many people don’t even consider a long-distance relationship for those (and other) reasons. While the risk is often worth the reward, these relationships are not for the faint of heart.

For those who do take the leap into a long-distance relationship and find the one whom their soul loves (Songs 3:4), there’s often another challenge that awaits them: long-distance engagement.

Usually, long-distance couples who get married fall into two categories. 

There are the ones who date long-distance for a while, then decide to shorten the distance in order to test the relationship’s durability. One party moves closer to the other, and they continue dating until they determine that the relationship is leading to marriage.

The second category of couples are those who maybe throw caution to the wind a bit more. They keep things long-distance all the way until marriage. They don’t necessarily see a need to live close to one another until after the wedding, because when you know, you know...right? (these couples are most likely not melancholics, as one author pointed out from her own experience!).

My husband and I fell into that second category. Two months into dating, he moved to Kansas for missionary work while I moved to Wisconsin. After six more months of daily FaceTime chats, monthly in-person visits, and a lot of consolation in prayer, he proposed. For seven months of our engagement (out of nine total), we remained in our respective states.

So the majority of our marriage preparation and wedding plans were done while still living long-distance. 

Was it hard? Yes. Is it possible? Yes!

If you find yourself in a similar situation, whether now or in the future, consider these tips for preparing for marriage while living long-distance...

1. Prioritize marriage-prep.

Marriage-prep guidelines might differ from diocese-to-diocese, so check with your parish about what they require, and make it your first priority. There are often distance options for things like NFP classes and parish-led marriage catechesis. If you are required to attend an engaged couples retreat, plan it out plenty in advance to accommodate for travel and schedules.

If a mentor couple is involved, find one willing to meet virtually. It is permissible to do marriage-prep in a different parish/diocese than in the one you plan to marry, so make it easier on yourselves if that's a better option!

2. Continue frequent in-person visits. 

You've likely found a rhythm already for how often you travel to see each other. During engagement, these visits should obviously continue. However, the schedule might need some adjustments. If you're used to alternating who travels each time (which is especially helpful in balancing your finances), this may no longer be as feasible. Depending on your wedding location or marriage-prep needs, the in-person visits might have to take place in the same town each time.

If that's the case and financials are a concern, communicate a fair solution together. Maybe the person who has to travel more during engagement pays for less of the wedding. Remember, in marriage, you will likely share all your finances, so these conversations are great practice!

3. Let others help with wedding plans.

Most couples either choose to marry in the place they'll start their lives together, or in one person's hometown. This could mean that you not only have two locations to balance during the engagement, but also a third if the wedding takes place elsewhere. If that is the case, enlist the help of family or friends who live close-by. From reception venue scouting to decoration prep to finding the perfect local florist, this is the time to take everyone up on those offers for help! You will still need to budget for some in-person trips, but you'd be surprised by how much can be done remotely! As always, keep the proper perspective that preparing for a marriage is the focus of engagement, not just planning a wedding.

4. Set a timeline and plan for relocation.

There are some great posts for helping you determine the logistics of relocating. Once you've settled on who's making the move (or maybe even you both are?), settle on the timing. You don't want to make a major move the day after your wedding! I moved to the same town as my husband about two months before our wedding, where I rented a room in a house with other women. The majority of my stuff was already moved into our apartment, so all I needed to do after the wedding was gather up my clothes and other personal items from the rental.

5. Keep God at the center. 

Pick a book to read together that sets your sights on marriage (I recommend this one or this one.) Read a couple of chapters on your own, then discuss over video chat. Set time each day, either virtually or separately, to pray a rosary or chaplet for your future marriage. Seek counsel from others in spiritual direction. Make regular visits to confession and Mass.

Physical temptations also increase during the engagement, so stay steadfast in your commitment to chastity. And when visiting each other, make sure you have separate places to stay!

Overall, remember this is a season; a distanced but grace-filled chapter leading to a blessed lifetime together. Trust that God will give you the grace to persevere!