Afraid of losing yourself when you fall for another?
My husband and I went to a Q&A panel as alums early on in our marriage, and the experience really stuck with me. It was so nice to return to the campus Newman Center where we first discovered the Catholic faith and be around old friends who we could catch up with after the night was over. The panel was specifically for marriage and vocation questions by the students, and we were the youngest of three couples, being married for only a few years.
The night has stuck with me for a few reasons, one of them being the questions the students had.
We didn’t have a heads up for any of the questions we would be asked by the priest leading the night, and we especially had no idea what questions the students could ask us. It was such a joy to answer there and then, to be honest, and open to all the topics.
There was one question that kept all three couples thinking for a few minutes before taking to the mic: how do you maintain your own personhood in a relationship?
I mean, isn’t it natural to become similar to your spouse after a while? Aren’t you two becoming one flesh? How do individuals fit into that? What if you feel yourself slowly adjusting to being more like your spouse, and you feel like you are losing yourself? How do you navigate that?
All fair questions. All fair concerns.
And super relevant to all three couples! When you tie yourself to another person for the rest of your life, yes, you will pick up some of their traits and they will pick up some of yours. It’s only natural! But personhood, how do we maintain that? How do we not lose ourselves in the years that we naturally become more like our spouse?
These are some of the answers we all shared.
It is so important to take time away from your significant other.
Not time away just to be away, but time away to be with yourself, and time with your friends. How do you recharge at the end of the day? How do you feel renewed and refreshed? There are times where we ought to be charitable to ourselves so we can remain our best selves and be charitable to others.
For some that looks like a walk around the neighborhood, or a bath at the end of the night. For others that looks like quiet time reading before bed, or time in the morning for some prayer. Whatever it is, it is necessary that you take it.
And the same goes for friends. Perhaps you share all the same ones, that’s okay—in no way are we dealing in black and white. But don’t forget friend time either. You would be surprised at how well you can serve as a spouse when you have not forgotten to serve yourself. And how easy you find it to be more like yourself when you have the patience to be.
You can grow in a relationship, but you shouldn’t be looking for any “fixing.”
One easy way to lose your personhood in a relationship is to look to your spouse to shape it for you. And although we all come into a relationship with our own past and experiences, of which it does take time to properly heal from, it isn’t your spouse’s responsibility to fix any serious qualms you have with yourself and/or your past.
As two people becoming one flesh, you are meant to get the other to Heaven. And the road to sanctification is one that lasts a lifetime. We all need grace, we all need spiritual growth, we all need Jesus and His forgiveness! However, looking to grow in a relationship alongside someone else is much different from looking to them to fix any places within your heart you know need some TLC.
When we look to anyone else but Jesus Christ to do serious “fixing” within ourselves, we are vulnerable to unfair expectations and disappointment. But when we look to our spouse to help us grow to be better sons and daughters of God, we become a team in our sanctification.
It is a good thing to have counterparts to one another; it is okay to have differences.
And recognizing that is the first step in avoiding becoming like your spouse, simply because differences can feel uncomfortable. Your individual strengths and weaknesses are what make you a team! And oftentimes it is humbling to become aware of our weakness in places where your spouse is strong (there lies an invitation of growth).
But the goal is not to compare or compete, but to highlight them in union with one another. Marriage is a mirror to yourself in that it reveals a lot about your heart and who you are, but it is not a mirror in the way where you want to match your spouse standing in front of you.
Overall, personhood is something that is constantly developing, and so it requires constant nourishment and attention. You were uniquely made by God and purposely called to become one flesh with your spouse. There is great intention and meaning behind you being uniquely you, and not exactly alike! Be proud of how your differences can come together. The Lord most certainly is.
