Marriage Isn't Designed to Be Heaven on Earth
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Well, I've done it again—my penchant for dissecting the dynamics of relationships and my respect for the sacrament of matrimony have led to my head being buried in yet another book about marriage.
And it was a good one.
The book, by Karee Santos and Manuel P. Santos, MD, is called The Four Keys to Everlasting Love: How Your Catholic Marriage Can Bring You Joy for a Lifetime. It's a worthwhile read—a quick one, if you're dedicated—and teaches lessons that are necessary for all who hope to have a marriage that thrives.
Here are three of my favorite lessons from it:
1. Marriage begets grace.
The thought of entering into a marriage sometimes scares the folks who desire it, who have felt unprepared to promise to love another forever. But, as The Four Keys To Everlasting Love reminds us, if we have wisely chosen a future spouse, there is no need to fear:
"Jesus freely offers showers of graces to couples united in the Sacrament of Matrimony. He wants your marriage to be a sign—a sacrament—of his divine spousal love for the world."
God, the author of marriage, designed it to be a sign of his love for the world. And we know what his love involves: death. It is not easy to die to self for the good of your spouse or marriage while we are surrounded by a culture that says that unending comfort should be revered.
But, via grace, it is possible. As Karee and Manuel also wrote: "(God) will aid you in appreciating each other's strengths and forgiving one another's weaknesses. And he will give you the sacraments of his Church to sustain you along your way."
2. Marriage is a battlefield—and it will stretch you.
The book also reminds us that if we get married, we will suffer. But it reminds us, too, that we will also suffer if we don't. That's because any vocation we could choose will involve suffering. Karee wrote:
"Your marriage is your chosen battlefield in the war between good and evil that every soul must fight in order to attain heaven. People who leave their marriage only exchange one battlefield for another. It's impossible to avoid the battle itself."
The culture that surrounds us tells us that marriage is solely for fulfillment—that love is good only insofar as giving it means we'll get pleasure in return. In The Four Keys to Everlasting Love, the Santoses set us straight: Marriage isn't designed to be heaven on earth. It is designed to sanctify us.
And in order for that to happen, God will let your marriage stretch you. Karee wrote about the passage in Luke 5 in which Jesus said that nobody puts new wine into old wineskins or the skins will burst and the wine will be lost.
Karee added: "Our marriage is like that new wine, filled with astonishing grace, and we are like those old wineskins in danger of bursting if we can't accept our radical new life."
3. Marriage is like a merger.
Part of the new life in marriage that will stretch us, the Santoses wrote, is the merger of two families. It can be a challenge to integrate your life with that of your beloved—but it also can be a challenge to do so with his or her family.
Karee wrote: "integrating yourself into your spouse's family frequently proceeds along a very bumpy road. This integration begins in earnest during the engagement period, particularly as both sets of parents weigh in with their expectations about the wedding."
What the Santoses suggest we remember when that happens is my third favorite lesson in this book: "As opinions and arguments fly, it helps to remember that the good qualities you cherish in your spouse-to-be were probably instilled by his or her parents."
For lots more great lessons, pick up a copy of the book here.
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