4 Tips for Helping Friends Cope with Miscarriage

While losing anyone in our life causes us grief, mothers who have lost their children experience acute grief because of that special bond and unique relationship.  This sorrow is made doubly hard to bear if that child is lost through miscarriage and the community support is lacking.  While I hope you never experience this kind of grief, you most likely will know someone who will, or already has.  15%-20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, but this does not mean miscarriage is normal.

After talking with a few friends who have also lost children to miscarriage, we came up with a list to share with our family and friends who wanted to help and support us but didn't know how.

Here's a list of supportive responses to miscarriage:

1.  Let your friend grieve in her own timeline.  We all grieve differently, and we certainly grieve differently over the loss of a pet, loss of a friend, or any other family member, than we do over the loss of our children.  The age of the child never matters; it is unnatural to have your children pass before you, especially unnatural to have your womb become their tomb.  Jesus took time to grieve over the death of Lazarus (John 11:35), and this is even with knowledge of His plans to raise him from the dead, and the knowledge of life in Heaven!  While fathers experience grief differently from their wives, they are still suffering and experiencing loss, too.  Rearrange your schedule so that you can be available to help both parents cope with their loss.

Don't: Rush your friend through the process or try to pretend it didn't happen.  Be patient.  This is her time in the Agony in the Garden, her time at the foot of the Cross.  Let her weep.  Let her process what happened to her physically, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically.  Death hits on all fronts, especially through miscarriage, as the mother's body recovers from birth.

2.  Be a good listener.   This means let your friend take the lead.  Even when she feels like she's getting over the top of the mountain, another trigger can hit her, and send her reeling through grief again.  These triggers could be a song, seeing other babies or pregnant women, an invitation to a baby shower, or finding baby's keepsakes, and passing anniversaries.  Again, be patient as your friend may need to talk things over more than once.  Grief isn't a linear process.

Don't:  Use belittling and insensitive comments such as, "At least you weren't that far along" or "it could have been worse" or "maybe there was something wrong with the baby" or "it was God's will" or "at least you have other children" or "at least you can try again" or "maybe it was for the best".  There really isn't anything worse than losing an unrepeatable person whom God entrusted to your care.  God does not want children to die; He is grieving right along with the parents.

3. Help your friend honor her baby.  Encourage your friend to name the baby if she hasn't already.  Help her find information for a gravestone, funeral service, or give her an item with her child's name on it, or the baby's birthstone.  Make a donation in the child's name, or cross stitch a plaque or other baby item.

Don't: Be a hypocrite and March for Life, pray outside abortion clinics, vote pro-life, but neglect the children who've lost their lives through miscarriage.  Be an advocate for all life, in all stages, and help any mother in need, regardless of whether or not she's threatening abortion.

4. Be Charitable.  Offer to bring over dinner, go grocery shopping, and help out with household chores.  Treat her no differently than you any other woman who has just given birth.  Offer to drive her to her appointments.  If she has other children, offer to take the kids out to a park or a museum so that she will have time to grieve with her husband alone.  If you aren't local to your friend, send a gift card to a restaurant, have a few friends pitch in to hire a cleaning service for a couple of hours, or simply send a sympathy card and flowers.  If she is local, try to take her out to get a pedicure or manicure, or a massage.  Help her to be good to herself.

Don't: Hold high expectations for the friendship right now.  In fact, don't have any expectations.  Your friend just experienced a life-altering event.  She will be a changed person because of it, therefore, your relationship will change, too.  After loss, many mothers experience a reprioritizing of their lives.  Allow her that room to change and grow, and in time, watch her transform into a stronger, more compassionate and faith-filled person.