You Must Think I’m A Terrible Person

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My friend Joel made a confession to me.

For several years, he’s been in a marriage that lacks intimacy.

He has a strong sex drive, but his wife is uninterested, which leaves him frustrated and lonely. After a few years of couples counseling, his wife lost interest in that too. So Joel feels stuck.

Recently, a female coworker propositioned him—if he was interested, she would give him what he wasn’t getting at home. Her offer reminded me of something I heard a preacher once say: “If you don’t have sex with your spouse, someone else will.”

Joel is a Christian. If he accepts his coworker’s proposition, the guilt would be real and would eat him up. He’s also human, and struggles with real emotional needs and physical desires. He genuinely does not want to be unfaithful to his wife. He’s also genuinely unhappy and sees no way that his marital situation is going to change in the future.

“You must think I’m a terrible person,” he said to me.

But I don't think he's a terrible person. I see that he's human and hurting.

I don’t. I didn’t even need to tell him that cheating on his wife would be wrong. His own sense of guilt convicted him of that.

Joel is in his 40’s. We talked about how we see relationships in middle age differently than we did in our youth. Often when we’re young, especially as Christians, we have an idealized concept of romantic relationships. We imagine trying to avoid sex before marriage, then sharing a blissful life with the one we waited for. Of course, we know it doesn’t always turn out that way. Sometimes we make poor choices. We stumble and fall. We land in unhappy marriages. Coworkers make propositions.

I used to be a church youth group kid who wore Bible verses on my t-shirt and sported a WWJD bracelet. But the other day, when Joel told me about his temptation, I had to ask myself: What would Jesus do?

What would Jesus think of him?

I imagined Joel telling Jesus about his situation, and I imagined Jesus sitting down beside him, maybe throwing his arm over Joel’s shoulder, showing that He understands. After all, look how Jesus reacted to the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11). He didn’t condemn her. He also told her to go and sin no more.

“I don’t see things at 43 the same way I did when I was 23,” Joel confessed. I know what he means. After my divorce, my world—and worldview—were rocked. There were times I was dating and had the opportunity to sleep with a woman. My Christian conscience warred with my flesh.

I really did want to remain chaste, not out of some antiquated view of idealized purity, but out of genuine love for God. But there were also times the thoughts crossed my mind: Why not just do it? I’m in my 40’s. You only live once. Is it really that wrong? God will understand.

And here’s the thing: God does understand. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean God condones sin. I mean He’s not some detached deity who is indifferent to our struggles. Hebrews 4:15-16 says of Jesus:

“For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”

So God knows our struggles, and He's sympathetic. He also still calls us to holiness, knowing that's what's best for us.

Yes, I may see life differently in my 40’s, but I still believe God wants me to be chaste. Morality doesn’t age like we do.  

But hopefully, with age comes wisdom. Muhammed Ali said: “The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.” As we grow older and rack up scars and mistakes, may we also grow wiser and more compassionate.

We must extend that compassion to others, as well as ourselves.

We’re going to change. We’re going to mess up. We’re going to evolve. But hopefully, with prayer and compassion, we can evolve into someone better, while refusing to condemn ourselves for our past mistakes.

As author Donald Miller said: “Ten years from now may we all look back and love who we were while hardly recognizing them.”

So what is my friend Joel going to do? I don’t know. I hope he doesn’t make a terrible mistake, and I hope he and his wife get help for their troubled marriage.

I’m going to try to be his friend, to show him the same compassion and understanding I’d want to be shown, and to pray for him and his family. To do what the years and Jesus have taught me. To try to live in that place where, “Loving kindness and truth have met together; Righteousness and peace have kissed each other.” (Psalm 85:10).

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