Doing Everything Right Doesn't Make a Marriage Fail-Proof

I had coffee recently with a Christian friend who recently went through a divorce.  She was feeling depressed and down on herself for “failing” in marriage, despite her best efforts to “do everything right.”

As someone who took the sacrament seriously, she worried that she might have missed something in the courtship that would have alerted her. In spite of all evidence to the contrary, she worried didn’t do enough to prevent the inevitable split.

She felt broken, as if there was something wrong with her for choosing someone she could not stay married to.  She felt the burden of having to explain herself to potential future dates, as if she were the one tainted.

My friend followed all the "rules" for Christian dating...but it still didn't work.

We unpacked it together. She had gone through all the appropriate steps and followed all the “rules” of a Christian courtship. There were no red flags that she knew of when she said yes. But then, once married, her husband changed, and she found herself in the midst of an abusive situation.

Even though she did everything she could to mediate and problem-solve; he did not. For a long while, in an effort to get along and thinking she was doing the “Christian” thing, she set aside all of her needs to meet his ever-growing and insatiable ones. For her, it was all give and no take, to the point where she hardly knew herself anymore.

She eventually left in order to protect her son, yet she felt “selfish” for ending it. I pointed out that her decision to protect her young child was selfless and brave, but she didn’t feel that way. In spite of doing everything “right,” she didn’t feel like the hero she is. She felt like a failure.

A failed relationship is never just the fault of one person. Do not blame yourself.

This scenario is common for many. When a marriage fails, it is often the one who carried the heaviest burden is the one who feels the greatest sense of responsibility for the demise, even though the opposite is true.

Perhaps this is what Jesus meant by needing to be “equally yoked.” When one person tries to pull the weight of two, it becomes impossible and unmanageable, to no fault of the one trying to do it on their own.  

There is nothing ‘Christian’ about eroding your identity in order to cater to the whims of a toxic person. Because my friend takes the responsibilities of marriage seriously, it’s difficult for her to let go of the habit of carrying the weight of the outcome. Meanwhile, her ex, who took zero responsibility and shifted all the blame, is already remarried.

You are not meant to carry the weight alone, so lay your burden down.

In marriage, healthy couples can count on one another to lean on, but we are never meant to carry the weight alone.  

In abusive situations, it is common for the abuser to blame, attack, or deny responsibility in order to make the other feel responsible. Yet, it is typically the most responsible, kind, and empathetic people who are groomed to accept or absorb the actions of a toxic person.  Abusers feed off of empathy because they know their partner will cover for them and make them look good. They might get away with their bad behavior for a long time because their partner is willing to explain or excuse them.

Embrace the grace and forgiveness you need to heal.

In the long run, I have confidence that my friend will find her way back to recognizing the beautiful, strong, God-loving person she is.  In time, she will lay down burdens, especially the ones that were never hers to bear. In time, she will embrace grace and forgiveness everyone needs to heal. She will realize the one who needs it most is herself.  

In time, my friend will heal. She will be ready for a relationship founded on mutual love and respect. The kind of person who will fall in love with my friend will not look down on her for being divorced, but will see her beautiful heart and appreciate the sacrifices she made to be a healthy, strong example to her son.  Even though she might not feel like it today, my friend’s example of goodness, beauty, and truth points to a bright and hopeful future.