Question: "Why is it so terribly sinful for women past the age of conceiving to have sex with a man of similar age?"
Back when CatholicMatch was still allowing comments for our posts, one of our readers asked the above question. He speaks for many in their golden years who ask: Why is marriage still a must when you can no longer have kids?
The #1 reason older people aren't getting married...
Indeed, according to the New York Times, seniors are the fastest growing segment of the population that chooses to cohabitate rather than get married. Most cohabitating seniors have been married before. Unlike their millennial counterparts, for whom cohabitation is considered a step towards marriage, seniors shacking-up usually have no plans to make it official. Why? The reason most often cited is money.
Marriage to a second spouse could mess up their kids' inheritance. They could lose the benefits they have from their divorced or late spouses. They will almost certainly have to pay higher taxes. If they are not careful, they might inherit, not only their spouse's financial problems but their spouse's kids' financial problems.
Plus, when a relationship comes later in life, they run a greater risk of their partner getting sick or disabled. Who wants to tie themselves down as caregiver when they're supposed to be retired—not to mention, to be responsible for the bills? Marriage and all the permanence and all the risk is for the young. Later in life, most people are just looking for someone to keep them company, not build a future life with.
Among this population of cohabitating seniors are not a few Catholics. The above article mentions one client, "a staunch Catholic" who lost her deceased husband's military pension and other benefits when she chose to remarry. Unfortunately, she was then widowed a second time. For her third time around, she chose to avoid the financial penalties that come with marriage and cohabitate instead. Punishing people for getting married just ain't fair, is it? Something should be done about it.
But does Church teaching change based on age? Or fertility?
Meanwhile, the first thing to realize is that dealing with laws that are hostile to our faith is nothing new. Previous generations of Catholics were told to burn incense to Jupiter in pagan Rome or to sign the Oath of Supremacy [stating that the king was head of the Church] in King Henry VIII's England—just to name two stand-out examples. In every age, Christians have had to decide between God and mammon.
You ask: What could God possibly find against two people who love one another, who are past the age of starting a family together, committing to one another privately, and then sharing that love physically?
People once asked similar questions about the aforementioned examples. What could God have against burning incense or signing a piece of paper—as long as the person's heart was in the right place?
Such a debate was featured in the play, A Man for All Seasons, about St. Thomas More. In this scene, St. Thomas More is talking to his daughter, Margaret:
MORE: You want me to swear to the Act of Succession?MARGARET: “God more regards the thoughts of the heart than the words of the mouth.” Or so you’ve always told me.
MORE: Yes.
MARGARET: Then say the words of the oath and in your heart think otherwise.
MORE: What is an oath then but words we say to God? When a man takes an oath, Meg, he’s holding his own self in his own hands. Like water. (He cups his hands) And if he opens his fingers then—he needn’t hope to find himself again. Some men aren’t capable of this, but I’d be loathe to think your father one of them.
Many people indeed burned the incense to avoid persecution. Many signed the Oath to keep their heads. But many others forfeited their lives. What's your life compared to your soul?
For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and for the gospel will save it. Mark 8:35
If you want to see "staunch," look no further than Jesus' own words, above. Staunch means "committed, unwavering, faithful" even when it's inconvenient. Or could prove fatal.
Why is it that God reserves sex for marriage?
When a man and woman share their love physically, they give themselves to each other. Totally.
The union of two bodies is sacred. It's not the joining of one part of a person to another part of a person. We are not just bodies. We are not just souls. We are both. Sex is the intimate union of whole persons. Two become one flesh. If it's not a complete and unreserved giving, come what may, it is using someone. There needs to commitment. No reservations. It's that holy.
Jesus thought so highly of marriage that He made it a sacrament. Matrimony is no longer just a natural contract for the earthly good of the spouses. It is a sacred covenant ordained by God. You get grace from being married. It makes you holy and prepares you for the world to come.
Bishop Barron puts it this way: "Once Jesus clarified that male and female are destined to become one flesh, he further specified that 'What God has joined together,' no human being should put asunder...The bride and groom...had been brought together by God and precisely for God’s reasons...their sexuality and their mutual love were in service of an even higher purpose."
What does your heart truly desire?
It comes down to the question: What kind of support do you want in your old age? The support of this world that is unstable and finite? Or the promised support of God, who is love, who can not only provide for you in this world, but grant you eternal life?
A final thought. Even though golden agers are past the age of physically having children, they are still very much an influence on the generations that come after them. What are their children and grandchildren going to think when grandma or grandpa decides that one of the commandments no longer applies to them?
