Breaking Bad: On Defying Society's Demand for Sex

(Photo from AMC)

I recently gave a series of workshops for divorced Catholics for the Archdiocese of Detroit, and I had an interesting encounter with a woman on one of the evenings I was presenting to a divorce support group. This woman in the crowd asked, "How can a Catholic remain celibate after divorce and still date?"

Great question!

I responded with suggestions of dating in groups to avoid temptation, being upfront with your date and letting him know your goal is to remain chaste so the boundaries are set from the get-go. I also suggested receiving the sacraments frequently and praying for the grace to remain committed to the goal in the face of temptation. None of these suggestions seemed to satisfy her. In fact, when I pointed out her dissatisfaction, she said, "I've heard all that before, and it doesn't help."

Everyone wants you to have sex. That was her bottom line.

The million dollar question: how to stay chaste while dating

So I responded with the following: "Being chaste is a choice. There is no magical formula that will make the temptation go away, you just have to choose to be chaste and then stick with it. No one can make that choice for you. Is it easy? No, especially when no one you know is doing it."

"It feels risky, almost like falling off a cliff...you make the decision to remain chaste, you close your eyes and you jump. But what you get in return is the wonderful freedom and deep peace that comes with you being in charge of your body, not letting your body be in charge of you."

This woman was probably the hundred millionth person I've heard ask that question or complain that all their dates—even practicing Catholics—pressure them to have sex. While I can understand completely where they are coming from, I've walked this road before, myself, and it really does come right down to that one thing: making the decision to remain chaste, and then doing whatever it takes to keep your commitment to it.

"Breaking bad" against society's expectations

The term "breaking bad" (aside from being the title of a popular TV show) is actually a Southern colloquialism that originated in the state of Virginia and means to "go wild" or to "defy authority." For the purposes of this discussion, I juxtapose this term as a way of stating the need to be counter-cultural when it comes to making the commitment to be chaste.

It's a battle, but one you can win. You have to defy the authority of mainstream society which demands you should be having sex, regardless of your marital status. If you're going to make that commitment and win that battle, by all means, go wild, defy that authority, and pull out all the stops.

So, what does this sort of breaking bad look like?

Well, it means you quit hanging around friends who don't support you in this. You stop watching movies and TV shows that condition you to believe unchaste sex is fine, and that you're an idiot if you're not doing it, too.

And definitely, definitely stop dating the ones who pressure you for sex or make you feel like a terrible person because you want to be chaste. There really are other Catholics who feel the way you do, and they're out there looking for you.

Remaining chaste brings not only peace, but also clarity

In my personal experience with dating after being divorced, receiving a decree of nullity, and finding healing, I struggled mightily with this issue. And at one point—I kid you not—I actually quit my job and moved to another town in order to remove the daily temptations that were dragging me away from my commitment. I know how tough it is! It's so easy to give in to temptation when you've been married and are used to physical intimacy.

But, I can assure you that if you stick to your goal of remaining chaste, you will gain that peace and freedom, in addition to much clarity. Making the choice to be chaste is like windshield wipers clearing the mud and dirt off the windshield so you can drive safely.

In the fifth chapter of the book of Galatians, St. Paul reinforces this:

"So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law...

"Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit." (Galatians 5: 16-18, 24-25)

So, if you are struggling with this issue I encourage you to break bad...jump off that cliff and don't worry, you will land on your feet. Then you will encounter the freedom, joy, peace, and all the gifts your decision will bring you.