How to Get More Responses to Your Messages

Online dating is different for men than it is for women. And gentleman, you have my sympathy.

How many of you have sent out dozens of messages only to get ONE reply? How many have spent an hour agonizing over composing the first message, only to get silence in response? How many of you wish you could just skip over the messaging part and just go on a date already?

The men I know personally attest to the statistical difficulties they face in online dating. Where women commonly have to weed through a bunch of initial messages, men often have the opposite problem. You can send out fifty messages to women and only get two replies, according to my brother in law! Much of this comes down to gender roles: the expectation is men make the first move and the woman can decide whether or not to reciprocate. Thus, the pressure of a first message is placed on the male shoulders. (Personally, I think who pursues when should depend more on personality types. But, that’s a discussion for another day!)

I’m not here to argue whether that’s fair or to make excuses. I’m here to help you get so good at writing the first message, the replies will be rolling in like kids falling off their sleds.

Fine, so I can’t promise you dozens of replies. But I can offer you six foolproof strategies to make your first messages stand out in a crowd. (#3 is maybe the most important!)

1. Billboard test.

Maybe you really want to share your stories, feelings, or hopes with the pretty profile you just found. Maybe you impulsively type out how beautiful she is, or how she’d make a great mother, or something else and—hold your horses. Don’t click “send” just yet. Read your message and reflect: Would you be okay with your message and name being pasted on a local billboard? For all your neighbors and friends to see? If that idea isn’t very palatable, you’re probably oversharing. Online profiles aren’t people, so get to know the person before committing to a profile. Save gushing feelings, hopeful dreams, and/or sob stories for after that first date.

2. Roll call test.

When names are called for attendance in school, most people just say “here.” But there’s always one or two kids who take the opportunity to set themselves apart by saying something totally different. And you probably remember them! Your introduction is your first ticket to being memorable. Consider the following example:

“Hi, my name is Mike. I see you’re new here.” 

This is forgotten as soon as you see it, right? Many girls will skim right over this line and see what the rest of the message is. If they even get that far. If you switch up the wording, your intro will stand out from the others in her inbox. Such as:

“William at your service, and welcome to CatholicMatch!”

“Howdy there, Rob’s the name!” 

3. Memorability formula.

Technically, you don’t need to introduce yourself because names are already on CatholicMatch profiles. But one thing you should do is be memorable. An easy formula for this is: charm + one detail. Let’s look at some common generic messages and what a lady’s typical response is, in parentheses:

“You seem really nice and I think we’d have a lot in common.” (Read: Like what? Did he even read my profile?)

“We both love the Faith and you seem really intentional about wanting to get married.” (Read: You could say that about most people on CatholicMatch, nothing special here.)

There’s no playfulness OR individuality about these messages. Let’s compare them with some real ones I recall. On my CatholicMatch profile, I talked about running over a rattlesnake, and about my love of color. I got a couple great first messages from guys who picked up on those details:

“I hit a hawk once. Mid-dive.” (Read: Now I really want to hear that story!)

“If color is your favorite thing, what’s your favorite color?” (Read: He’s challenging me…)

See what these fellows did? They took one detail of my profile in a playful direction. Bam, memorable enough that four years later, I still recall them word for word! Charm + one detail, people, it goes a long way. You can always tack on an emoji to help add some humor to the message ;p. (See?)

4. When in doubt, leave them wanting more.

You’ll notice these two first messages were only a few words. While there’s nothing wrong with longer first messages, shorter ones grab attention better. Why? They’re quick, easy to see, and aren’t fuddled with flowery phrases or philosophy. Once you get the hang of being memorable, short messages are also easier and faster to write. Short messages are efficient: if you spend two hours writing every first message, you can only send a couple. But if you spend fifteen minutes on a short but memorable message, you could send out twenty. Which leads us into the next tip . . .

5. Approach all types of people, and lots of them!

Some of the online success is simply a numbers game! It’s a lot of work to send out dozens of first messages, which is why we already talked about an efficient but memorable process. It is worth it to cast your net around to lots of profiles. Why? The only way to find potential matches is to start a conversation. Up your game by reaching out to all your Matches, new members, and people who are outside of your distance limit. You never know who’ll click!

Another good reason for this is practice. Practice makes perfect, and that includes writing messages and asking for phone numbers. The more first messages you send, the better you’ll get at writing them, and the more replies you’ll see come back. 

6. If all else fails, run it past your best friend.

Or a trusted brother. He might see something in your message giving the wrong impression, or note that you only approached blondes and the redhead over there looks nice. Who knows? The buddy system works well for improving yourself and your messages, so don’t be afraid to ask for a second opinion.

Obviously you don’t have to try all of these strategies at once. But pick out one or two and give it a go, see what the response is. You might be surprised! And don’t worry, even if you feel you’re not good at messaging, keep trying. I know a few couples whose first online messages were rather dull, but who ended up getting married. So put in your best effort, but remember, God can work with any type of writing! 

P.S. Women, a note for you. When you get a message and the profile isn’t an outright nope, RESPOND. Thank the gentleman for reaching out and say what you liked about his message. Plus, you never know who might strike your fancy! It happened to me: I totally friendzoned a guy because he was too far away. Aaaaaaand now we’re married!