Five years ago, under a pseudonym, I co-authored a blog post aimed at traditional Catholics. My friend Jaclyn and I encouraged Catholics in the D.C. area to overcome several serious barriers to successful dating. Since then, I’ve been made aware that these challenges are not unique to the Washington region—anecdotally, they exist in other cities across the United States.
Most of the issues boiled down to one thing: Learning how to communicate with someone you’re interested in—and maturely communicating with someone you’re not.
This piece is Part 1 in a series for CatholicMatch that will hopefully encourage effective communication between the sexes. Part 2 will be geared towards women.
1. For men, it boils down to this: have the courage to ask women out.
In 2005, an Elder of the Mormon Church and his wife advised young people to avoid the dangers of hanging out. Specifically, men were told, “Gather your courage and look for someone to pair off with.”
Unlike hanging out, dating is not a team sport. Dating is pairing off to experience the kind of one-on-one association and temporary commitment that can lead to marriage in some rare and treasured cases.
Plainly put, this takes courage. You may be rejected. You may face a disproportionate level of responsive interest, as many women—especially in traditional circles—interpret being asked out in the same manner as a man expressing his love for a woman. (More on this in Part 2 of the series.) You may even jostle your social circle a bit because a) the person is not interested, or b) you’re the only one actually stepping out in a mature fashion to pursue dating.
None of that matters. Ask anyway, because your future marriage is between you and one woman, not her friends or even yours. How can you have the courage to dedicate yourself to her for life if you can’t even ask her to spend an hour or two with you?
2. How you handle rejection is more important than rejection itself.
You’ve asked someone out. Perhaps you “hung out” around them so long that you’ve developed a substantial crush on her. And when you finally get the courage to ask her out…she turns you down.
Get over it. Seriously. Rejection is simply not that big of a deal—and how you handle it says more about you than the rejection. Handle it with class and respect, and you may have a) created a better friendship, b) given yourself a second chance down the road, and/or c) given yourself a better reputation among her friends.
Women respect courage—both the courage to ask and the courage to take rejection well. I was turned down dozens of times, but in showing that I respected the woman’s decision, many times the rejection of a romantic relationship strengthened a platonic friendship.
Many women don’t want to hurt a man’s feelings if they’re not interested. Turning you down is as tough for them as it is for you to ask them out! By building her up through respecting her rejection, you may have given yourself a second chance by rising above the other (less courageous and less mature) men in her circles.
Lastly: women talk to each other. If you handle rejection well, she will tell her friends. She’ll also tell her friends if you handle the rejection badly, so why not learn how to handle it with a smile?
3. Asking a woman out demands stepping outside your comfort zone and social circle.
In other words, it's great practice for marriage.
Dating, engagement, and marriage intimately combine two people and then create more. If you pursuing your vocation as a husband causes a little jostling in your social circle, that may be simply part of the necessary cost. Marriage is between one man and one woman—not a social group.
Similarly, some women who aren’t used to being asked out may interpret dating as an expression of intense love or affection—when all you wanted was a casual date. This is a risk, especially in a tight group of people. But it’s a risk worth taking, especially if you’re able to quickly clarify.
4. And finally, be strategic in your asking.
All of the above tactics are useless if you aren’t strategic in your asking. Playing the field (going on dates with more than one person) is fine if you're open about it, but make sure whomever you pursue is worth the risk.
I’ve had my share of crushes on women in my social circles—but if I knew I was just attracted to a certain part of the person, not them as a whole person, I didn’t pursue it. Or I would do a little research first to ensure I understand the person well enough to consider us potential life partners.
In short: God may have given you the marital vocation. But if you don’t pursue it intelligently, it may be delayed. But just as 90 percent of success “is just showing up,” 90 percent of dating success is just asking her out.
In shorter: Be a man. Ask her out.
Find Your Forever.
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