Have a Crush? Take 20 Seconds of Insane Courage

You've got a crush on somebody. But try as you might, flirt as you might, talk, joke, primp, and smile as you might, you're not getting a handle on how the other person feels. You wish you could ask: Do you just not like me? Do you like someone else? Are you simply not ready for a relationship? Or do you just need a little nudging? Okay, a little more nudging.

But even if you could ask, the person might not know the answers. Seriously. Some people are not comfortable expressing their feelings. I know a guy who, a dozen girls have attempted to catch. He says he simply never thinks about his feelings. And when he's forced to, all he can come up with is a strong feeling against having feelings. Good luck girls! And no hard feelings. Obviously.

Though this is an extreme case, there are lots of people who just don't give you enough to go on. Or worse, they're sending mixed signals. Friend ... girlfriend ... friend ... girlfriend—their message button is jammed.

If you have a crush on someone and you're not sure how they feel (or if they feel), you have two options.

A) Brace yourself and tell the person directly how you feel.

B) Move on.

Choose one of them. Do not choose C) Wait around yet another day to be driven more nuts wondering if the person will ever like you, meanwhile remaining emotionally unavailable to meet someone who might actually care about you!

A lot of people take Option C, because it works fabulously inside their heads. They construct all sorts of hopes and dreams based on Option C.

The only real options are A and B. They're both painful and for that, I'm sorry. I can only tell you that they're nothing near as painful as Option C, which is a long, drawn out terminal illness kind of pain. Option A and B are risky operations but both promote healing and wholeness.

First let's hash out Option A.

How do you tell the person you like them?

Keep it direct and keep it simple. If you get too intense you might weird the other person out. Nix any talk of, “I've been watching you for quite some time” or “I was in this bad relationship before and I never thought I'd fall for anyone again” or even “You're my ideal.” Paleeze do not follow the person around either. If they had any thoughts in your direction, this will make them do an about-face and run. Keep your invitation friendly and non-threatening. Try something like, “I like you." Or "Maybe the two of us can get together sometime?" I know it's gutsy. I know how much is riding on words like that. I know how at the first syllable, you feel like your mouth is stuffed with ashes. But for better or worse—it is over very quickly.

"You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it." Benjamin Mee, We Bought a Zoo

Now, I know I just said that “something great will come of it” but that doesn't mean you'll get the answer you want. The great thing that may come is, in fact, closure.

What if the person says no?

There are lots of ways to say no. Some are clear: "No, thanks." Others less clear: "Sure, we can ALL go sometime. Not sure what's on my calendar because I don't have it with me. Oh well." This means no.

If someone has clearly said no and let you know they aren't interested in you, don't hang around trying to convince the person to like you. Years ago my sister went on one date with a guy but refused a second. So he sent her a letter, saying,"If you don't marry Wonderful Me, you'll spend the rest of your life alone in your apartment surrounded by cats." Dude, this isn't a sales pitch: Not only am I the Best on the market, you can't afford NOT to take me! This sort of behavior makes a person go from feeling bad about hurting you to not being able to stand the sight of you to possibly even considering a restraining order. If you get a clear rejection, move on.

How do you  move on?

Realize that a clear no is a merciful answer. It means the person doesn't want to string you along. Consider yourself lucky to know that. Now you are free to find someone else and to be happy. One person's rejection does not mean you are an unlovable slug. It means that that particular person didn't click with you. It's easy to feel insulted, or hurt or angry. But chemistry is a mysterious thing. You can't force it. So don't hate the person for not feeling it. Unless you get a voodoo doll, you'll only end up punishing yourself. This will keep you from being at your best so you can find someone who does click with you.

Last, don't think you are alone in this struggle. I know how it is. When you lack something, it seems like everyone else who has it is suddenly dropping by or calling you or posting pictures of that coveted thing on Facebook. In this case, it's a parade of happily married couples with their white dresses, honeymoon pics, and sonograms. You might be tempted to avoid those couples. I say don't! Talk to them. You will soon find that most, if not all of them, have been hurt before. They've been rejected. They've wondered if there's something wrong with them. They've cried hard into their pillows.

What changed things for them? They moved on—not with an air of sad resignation or resentment or baggage but with courage. They risked their happiness a second time, and maybe a third, and again and again until they found it. Take 20 seconds of insane courage. Repeat as needed.