Can an Innocent Kiss Ever Just Be a Kiss?

Does hand-holding mean exclusivity? Or is it no big deal?

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been on a date where I honestly didn’t notice that he was holding my hand. He made the move as we crossed the street, and I was oblivious because hey, it’s a busy road and safety first. No big deal, right? Wrong, apparently. Turns out this lovely gentleman thought we were serious business after just two dates. I asked him why he thought this, since I had been very clear that we weren’t exclusive. His reasoning? Because I “let him touch me like that” and he “didn’t want anyone else to do that with me.” Needless to say I was a little appalled. Who knew holding hands was a silent agreement to some kind of courtship contract?!

Many of you have probably run across similar things, such as side-hugs or first-kiss weddings. I’ve heard of couples who can’t even hug because they don’t want to be scandalous. And I’m over here asking, how did dating get to this point?

We were created as physical, including sexual, beings.

The reality of the matter is that to be human is to be physical—our senses, our physicality, our bodies are the inherent way we exist in the world. Obviously, this comes with sexuality. Genesis is clear that male and female He created them, right? So to demonize sexuality is to demonize the human condition—most Catholic and conservative circles understand this. They promote the true value of sexuality, and can be very successful.

But there is one specific danger: in trying to counter the culture of rampant immorality, many religious circles have warned against physical affection entirely. But is prohibiting physical touch actually protecting sexuality, or is it adding to the problem?

Over-spiritualizing every physical touch does not teach the value of sexuality.

Here’s the deal. Over-spiritualizing EVERY physical touch or gesture on the grounds of protecting intimacy does not teach the value of sexuality. Instead, it gives the impression that any physical act is, ipso facto, sexual. Thus, any touch outside marriage can be considered lust.

This misnomer leads to a great sadness: in an effort to be chaste, we starve ourselves for natural physical touch. Not sexual touch, mind you—physical touch.

What is normal physical touch, you ask? It can be found in all ages. Babies nurse at the breast and chew on their fingers or toes. Toddlers constantly ask for kisses and want to be picked up. Third graders hug their parents and hold hands with their friends.

High school students are always high-fiving. Parents embrace their grown children, grandmothers adore holding a baby on their lap, and nursing home residents love to hold hands with visitors. This is wonderful stuff!

Why is physical touch so important? We were made for community. And communities have other people in them.

Staying in our own isolated bubbles of personal “holy” space does nothing to actually teach us about physicality and sexuality. It instead encourages us to think physical equals sexual. Suddenly, kindergartners have to keep hugs to themselves. High school students feel isolated and stigmatized. Nursing home residents are cold and alone. It causes issues in romance, too.

Men don’t want to be a predator by trying to give a hug. Women fear holding hands will give him the wrong idea. It’s easy, and even encouraged, to think that chastity equals ten inches of space between you. If this is what my date thought, no wonder holding hands was a serious commitment to him!

I think we’ve made a good case about physical affection not equaling sex. But, you ask, dating can be a little different than kindergarten, because it has that element of attraction in it.

But when dating, how do we apply this mentality of physical affection without sexual touch?

1. Consider human physicality separate from sexuality.

We established that humanity is a physical thing. Remember those kids we talked about earlier, how they’re super physical without being sexual? Think about whether your physical affection is something a child would do. Or, if you aren’t around children much, think about whether you do this thing with family or friends.

Do you still hug your grandfather? Kiss your mom on the cheek? Hold hands with your baby nephew? If you can do it non-sexually with other people, it doesn’t have to be sexual with your date, either.

2. Talk about your personalities and backgrounds.

I’m a person who doesn’t ascribe sex to physical touch, as you probably guessed by now. I grew up in a big family, where sisters sharing beds was simply to make room, and everyone held a child on their lap at dinner. Obviously, someone who grew up without siblings, or in a strict religion, or in one of those stoic non-hugging families might have a different perspective.

The only way to figure out those differences is to talk about them—don’t assume this topic is taboo. Once you discuss this stuff, it will be much easier to see personal boundaries.

3. Draw those personal boundaries together.

Clear moral boundaries exist for a reason. Keep your clothes on. Live separately. Save sex for marriage. That stuff should be obvious. Subtler things won’t be—and that’s where knowing your own strengths and flaws comes in handy.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with holding hands, giving hugs, or putting your arm around someone. But that’s because I personally do not find those things sexual. You might be the person who ascribes a lot more to physical affection than I do—and that just means you have to talk about it with your significant other. The main thing is that you and your date work together to prioritize morals and not treat touch as the elephant in the room.

If there’s one takeaway of this post, it’s not to overthink every single physical touch.

If she holds your hand crossing the street, don’t assume you’re soulmates. If he brushes something off your shoulder, don’t freak out because he only wants you for your body. Similarly, don’t judge other people by whether they hold hands in public, keep an arm around each other, or even share an innocent kiss once in a while.

Not all physical touch is sexual, nor should it be. Physical affection is a very good thing! After all, God created it. Jesus Christ embraced people. Let’s make sure we keep that in perspective.