Piercing the Heart of Marriage Preparation

Have you ever asked yourself what is at the heart of marriage preparation? I first considered this question three years ago when a task force was formed in our diocese to study the current state of marriage. The first document that we read, called Familiaris Consortio (On the Family), refocused my thinking about marriage prep.

Written in 1981 by Saint John Paul II, this document says that marriage preparation is "a gradual and continuous process."

It includes the experiences of love and life that span infancy, progress through adolescence and last into the golden years.

The document goes on to say that "not only the family but also society and the church should be involved in the effort of properly preparing young people for their future responsibilities."

The Holy Father clearly understood that that parents need the support of others for good formation.

These quotes hint that education is the goal of marriage preparation. However, we are not referring to a gain in "head" or "heart" knowledge. Rather, the object of our effort is a formation that readies a man and a woman to intertwine themselves as one for a lifetime. The heart of our work is an understanding of God's plan for marriage.

Why is our task so daunting?

Sharing the beauty of Sacramental Marriage far and wide is a daunting task for a number of reasons.

• First, families are not what they used to be. Many of our children, youth and young adults know more about fragile relationships than they do about strong marriages.
• Secondly, the culture has redefined marriage as something other than a covenantal union that begets offspring.
• Finally, the church has missed opportunities over the past few decades to reveal the truth and meaning of sexuality and married love.

The dawn is breaking with good news despite these challenges. On the family front, prominent research continues to show how marriage improves child well-being. On the cultural front, the tide seems to be slowly turning towards traditional marriages and family life.

And, most promising of all, the Church is definitely awakening from its deep slumber regarding the promotion of marriage. One need only look at the expansion of marriage preparation, marriage enrichment and family life resources to know that the embers of God's plan are still smoldering.

How can we assist turning the tide around? Here are a few suggestions.

Expand your thinking.

Recognize marriage prep has three distinct stages; remote, proximate and immediate.

• During the remote stage, children learn their strengths and struggles, develop the ability to live in community and move beyond their selfish desires in relationship to others.
• In the proximate stage, the understanding of married life is expanded through social interactions with others beyond the family.
• The immediate stage includes an understanding of spousal duties and obligations using experiences and retreats that help the couple to encounter Christ together and discover the depth and beauty of the Sacrament of Matrimony.

Expand marriage ministry.

Find at least one way to highlight God's plan for marriage in each of these stages.

• Children, who rarely tire of learning about the saints, might enjoy learning about Therese of Lisieux's parents, their marriage and how they became saints.
• Youth and young adults may want more information about the Theology of the Body.
• Engaged couples may find a deeper love when offered prayer experiences.

Expand the joyful witness of marriage in your parish.

The best education and formation comes from a personal encounter. Expose everyone, especially young adults and youth, to as many joy-filled married couples as you can.

• Find ways for married couples and young adults to interact in ministerial roles (pair them to be greeters at Mass or to lead religious education events).
• Highlight couples that have been married for landmark anniversaries (5, 10, 15...) and their families in the bulletin.
• Invite marriage veterans (you know—those couples who are old enough to have children that are young adults) to share their story of a life long marriage with young adults. Let their loving, generous and permanent commitment remind others that God's plan is still alive and well.