How Do We Help Millennials Get Married?

Just three years ago, a Gallup poll revealed that most millennials want to get married. This is great news for those of us working in marriage ministry. Unfortunately, the number of marriages in the U.S. during this time continued to decline. Am I the only one asking why the hearts and the heads of so many young adults not on the same page? Why do they say they want to get married but don’t actually do so?

My quest for the answer took me to several scholarly articles about young adults. This is what I found out.

Actions speak louder than words

Millennials—the generation of persons born between 1980 and 2000 is the largest and most diverse generation in the U.S. Almost 92 million strong, these 16-36 year olds tell pollsters that they want to tie the knot, but their actions tell another story. They are delaying marriage until the late 20s and often choose to live together rather than get hitched.

Most millennials were raised in a non-religious home with one, maybe two siblings. Nearly half of them watched their parents separate and/or divorce. They grew up being affirmed for their ability to think and act independently; they exceeded the educational levels of their parents. Most have racked up astounding student loans that put them at risk of poverty.

These individuals are multi-taskers and tech savvy (if they can’t Google something it must not exist).

They relish social media connections as much as their offline friendships. Free choice can easily overwhelm them—even though they rarely admit that.

They believe they are capable of morality and self-fulfillment without a belief in God. They determine what is right using their understanding of fairness, equality, tolerance and justice.  And nothing in their world was ever meant to last; not jobs or relationships or love.

Millennials cut to the chase

This generation doesn’t want you to waste their time. They get to the point or the bottom line with laser focus. While you may find their interactions abrupt and abrasive, they say they are driven. Keep in mind, they are often under or unemployed and saddled with student loans averaging over $35,000. This is frustrating for them and often causes anxiety and skepticism.

Millennials are the grandchildren of the sexual revolution. They have always known contraception as a vital part of women’s health and value the separation of sexual expression from procreation. They view love as something that should make them feel good rather than something that wills the good of another. They have been taught that responsible sex is a consensual and protected act that doesn’t require commitment. They seem to have accepted and advanced the hook-up culture.

Their strengths vs. their weaknesses

The data tells me that millennials have strengths: they multi-task; have educational prowess; collaborate exceptionally well; excel in technology; know how to rapidly connect with others; are independent thinkers; and drive hard to the bottom line.

The research also shows me that young adults have deficiencies: minimal religious understanding and experience, immature soft skills that prevent them from interacting effectively with others; difficulty making commitments; misgivings about authentic love and an impoverished view of sexuality.

Knowing the audience is so important in planning a ministry. If we, as marriage ministers, want to help young adults fulfill their desire to marry, then we have two tasks in front of us: see marriage through the eyes of a millennial and compare it to God’s plan for marriage. We need to familiarize ourselves with their lived perceptions and the divine ideal.

Here are a few suggestions to help you bridge the gap between what they know and what God has planned for them.

A) Get into the research

The Pew Research Center has been tracking social trends about marriage and family life for decades. Look at their data and think about how it applies to the young adults in your care.

B) Read Church documents

There are so many great documents that reveal the beauty of marriage and family life.

1) Have you read Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan?

2) How about On the Family by Saint John Paul II?

3) Here's another great one from the World Meeting on the Family in 2015 entitled: Love is Our Mission.

C) Have conversations with Millennials

Invite a few young adults out for a cup of coffee or their favorite beverage. Ask them to help you understand marriage and family life from their perspective.

1) Start by telling them your story of marriage (including all of your errors and difficulties— they enjoy knowing you messed up; it makes you relatable).

2) Ask them what they have observed and what they think about marriage and family life. It is easier for them to let their guard down when they know you are a real person who wants to connect with another real person. Assure them that you have to work at relationships just like everyone else.