A Guide to Age Gaps: How to Tell When They're Just Too Old or Too Young

“Age is just a number!” But is it really? Age gaps are a touchy subject. I’ve been asked enough times to know I wasn’t the only confused dater out there. I’d see couples exactly the same age, down to the same birthday, and then I’d also see couples who were a decade apart and doing fine. Different people all say different things, leaving singles asking: what’s the right age range for dating, anyway?!

It turns out, this is the wrong question.

During her single years, my twin sister dated men both older and younger than her. She was always a forgiving soul, and looked to find the good that everyone could offer. And I think that attitude was what led her to the right perspective about dating and age. After going out with a lovely guy just two years younger than us, she was a little disheartened. Our conversation went something like this:

“He’s a lovely person and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with him. I just feel . . . so much older,” she reflected. “I know we’re actually close in age, but it doesn’t feel like it.”

“Why’s that?” I asked. (At the time, I was dating someone eight years older than me. Single Cadence didn’t have a leg to stand on!)

“We’re in such different life stages,” she responded. “And I think that’s the thing. Age doesn’t matter, but stage does!”

Stage, not age, is the key factor in dating.

What beautiful brevity. And ever since that conversation almost ten years ago, I haven’t seen anyone steered wrong by this advice. What is “stage,” one might ask? Our stage of life is how we’re living, our maturity levels, our readiness for marriage, and our general level in life. My sister saw this because, while she was an early college graduate starting her nursing career, her date had barely graduated high school and didn’t yet know what he wanted to do. This glaring difference was causing an issue in the dynamic, and it had nothing to do with how old they were. None of us are ever exactly in the same place, because we all lead different lives and have different backgrounds. Young people can be wise far beyond their years, and age doesn’t always equal maturity.

So instead of looking at the birthday on the profile, wondering whether the age gap is too much . . . read the profile. What’s your impression of the person? Do they sound like they’re living in on the same level as you? Are you both in college, are you both widowed, are you both living alone or with family, etc.? How someone is living will give you way more information than simply how old they are.

That said, we shouldn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. There is such a thing as too big of an age gap! How do we spot those? Simple common sense. For instance, a 21 year old dating a 29 year old is an acceptable age gap. A senior citizen dating a teenager is plain dangerous.
So if you are truly looking for a good rule of thumb, stay within your own generation–i.e., keep the age gap within a decade of your own age. There’s plenty of wiggle room with this boundary, and it ensures you aren’t seeking too far out of your own pool.

Frequently Asked Questions:

“Is she too young?” If you have to ask this, chances are . . . yes, she’s too young. Wait a few years until she’s in a more similar stage of life to you. Then, if she’s still around on CatholicMatch, shoot her a message! Marriage is meant to be between two equals, and, sometimes, too big of an age gap can break that dynamic. So, when in doubt, wait another year or two! If God has that person in mind for you, they will still be around in the future at a better time. And if she’s not, she simply wasn’t your future wife after all!

“What about the ‘half his age plus 7’ rule?” Surprisingly, this secular dating rule isn’t far off base. It runs on the idea that the older you both are, the less an age gap is likely to derail your romance. Why? The older daters get, the smaller the age gap ratio becomes, and the more similar life stages they will lead. It’s simple math. Sometimes this is helpful and sometimes it is not, so it is important to view it as a guideline more than a rule.

“But I know someone who had a great marriage and they were fifteen years apart!” That’s wonderful for them! There will always be great people who break the mold. It doesn’t mean you should throw common sense to the wind. For example, let’s say you run across the perfect CatholicMatch profile–you are thrilled about what you see and can’t wait to send a message. But then you notice the age gap is bigger than you initially thought. What do you do?! The answer: be reasonable. First, is this person of your same generation? (If the answer is no, you should pass.) Next, does this person line up with your values and goals? Can you find evidence that you are both in a similar life stage? Then it might be worth connecting. On the flip side, are there some glaring differences in your life stage? Could one of you legitimately be a parent to the other? Maybe you’re only smitten with their cute pictures? In these cases, take a step back and look at the match objectively. If you ignore obvious differences and life stages, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

“What about having kids? Don’t forget about the biological clock!” Yep, women have a biological clock. We really can only have children for so long, and that’s simply how God designed us. However, this is your reminder that having children is only one aspect of marriage. Catholic spouses are called to be free (voluntary and single in the eyes of the church), faithful (both baptized Christians/Catholics), fruitful (open to life), and final (permanent sacramental union.) “Fruitful” can also be seen as spiritually fruitful, fruitful in prayer, or fruitful in mentorship. Marriages that are without children due to health issues or age are still completely valid marriages. While children are an amazing blessing and every Catholic must be open to life, marriage is not a stepping stone to having children. It is first and foremost for the spiritual good of the spouses.

So yes, age is just a number–but sometimes numbers can offer us important information. Always pray about it, and don’t be afraid! There are so many amazing people out there, and God has someone special in mind for you.