There’s Nothing Wrong With the Way You Love

There’s nothing wrong with the way you love. Let me say that again...

There is nothing—absolutely nothing—wrong with the way you love. 

The way you love is beautiful. It’s unique. It’s the blend of thousands of variables outside of your control; how your DNA blossomed together, how your parents talked to you as a baby, what they fed you in the womb, how other kids shared with you in preschool, the kinds of books you were read. All these seemingly minuscule events played into the beautiful mixture of humanity that you are—that splendid, complex concoction of both messiness and sacredness. You are beautiful, and you love beautifully.

Do you think Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament sits there like, “I wish you knelt more for me?” Or “I wish you sang to me more instead of journaling?” It sounds ridiculous, right? But how often do we impose similar disappointments onto a significant other? Maybe they are dissatisfied in the ways we show our love, but then again, maybe they shouldn’t be such a significant other.

Can you improve the way you show love? Yes.

Can you tailor your style of giving love to be more in line with the ways in which a significant other receives love? Yes. But there’s nothing innately wrong with the way you naturally show affection. Again. I’m going to beat this into you. There’s nothing lacking in the way you desire to sacrifice for another person. 

This is so basic, so simple, but so necessary to believe in order to have a healthy relationship with yourself (and, therefore, with someone else). The problem is that this is so difficult to believe! I’m only just now starting to do so.

I’m an intense dude. Admittedly. Proudly. I love intensely. I tend to be an all or nothing kind of guy. If you’re in a relationship with me, you either have me completely and totally or not at all. When I fall in love, I desire to lay my life down for someone. It’s my goal to make that person feel like the most special person in the world. I send it.

Because of past wounds, I came to think this was a problem. I held shame that this was something within me that God didn’t want. I believed this was something I had to fix—that I had to dial back and turn down—in order for someone to totally love me in return. It wasn’t until recently that I accepted this part of me, that I embraced this part of me.

It’s not broken, so it doesn’t need to be fixed.

All it took was a friend asking me “Why? Why is that bad?” for me to begin questioning why I looked down on this part of my personality. I had nothing to say. It was such a basic question, and the pain/guilt/turmoil inside of me felt unbearably complex. Oftentimes, the biggest knots in us can be untied with the most basic ask. It’s just a matter of finding that ask.

If you’ve been hurt, you might be temped to think that there’s something wrong with the way you love. If you’ve never been in a relationship, you too might be tempted to think that the reason why is because of the way you love. I’m here to be a blockade to that lie. Don’t let it carry on any further. This is where its road ends. I give you the same question my friend gave me: “Why? Why is the way in which you love a bad thing?”

Here’s the hard truth. The right person will accept the way you show love.

It may not be the way he or she feels the most loved. It likely isn’t. And that’s the beauty of it. We accept one another in our shortcomings, and our love expands by cherishing another person’s love. How boring would it be if two people showed love in the exact same way? Where’s the chance for growth in that? Where’s the sacrifice in that?

Whether you love intensely like me, you love through gift-giving, affirmations, love letters and poems, whatever it may be, embrace what you do. Look at that side of yourself as wonderfully unique. It’s a gift given to you by nature and nurture that you have the honor of giving to someone else. 

Some people worship God by standing and throwing their hands up. Some people worship Him by laying prostrate. Still others like to simply sit and keep still. There is no right way to show God love, and as a result, He embraces each and every way.

The same applies with loving another person. There’s no right way to do so. The more God-like we are, though, the more we’re happy with that. The more we welcome ways to show love that differ from our own. The more we feel loved by each and every one of those ways.