Do You Expect Too Little of Sacramental Marriage?

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Are your expectations for marriage too low?

As a teacher, I have heard many young people declare that the Catholic Church is too uptight about sex. They assume that the Church’s definition of morality is “avoid anything pleasurable.” Of course, they are reflecting the culture’s attitudes toward sex and the Church. My response to them goes something like this:

Imagine a friend who has a modern gaming console, but all he ever plays on it is the old game Pong. He even calls the gaming console his “Pong game.” You know that the console has many more modern games to offer, which are much more challenging and way more fun. You are concerned that your friend is missing out and is wasting his money because his expectations about his gaming console are too low. So you approach your friend to convince him to expand his view of his video game console. Your friend responds, “You are so uptight! Why are you so obsessed with this console?”

What if the Church is not uptight and out to destroy all pleasure? What if, instead, the Church knows that sex could be more than just physical pleasure? What if the Church is concerned that you are missing out on the full potential of your sexuality and relationships? What if your expectations about sex are just too low?

Expecting too little from marriage...

This same thought process came to me regarding marriage when I listened to a recorded debate about marriage between a very popular Catholic teacher and a secular philosopher. At one point, the philosopher told the Catholic, “I think you expect too much out of marriage.” This statement struck me as odd. She assumed that expecting spouses to remain faithful to each other and to offer children a stable family life is too much to ask. 

However, the truth is that even most Catholics don’t expect enough out of marriage. 

Like most young people, I approached my wedding day with dreams about great sex and self-fulfillment. But a few years into our marriage, after I had studied the Theology of the Body and the Sacraments as part of my theological studies, I realized that my expectations for marriage were way too low. I was missing out on the potential of my relationship with my wife.

What is a Sacrament?

Discovering the full potential of marriage begins with understanding marriage as a Sacrament. A Sacrament is an efficacious sacred sign instituted by Christ that gives grace. Sacraments are God’s way of communicating eternal spiritual truths to us in ways we can comprehend through our bodily senses. Each Sacrament is not only an expression of God’s love for us but is also a way to participate in God’s life. 

Sacraments are not merely symbolic. As efficacious signs, they actually bring about the truths that they symbolize. Baptism not only represents the washing away of Original Sin through the sign of water, the act of dunking someone in water or pouring water over them in the Sacrament effectively does wash Original Sin away.

What is the Sacred Sign of Holy Matrimony?

What eternal divine reality does marriage signify? Sacred Scripture uses marriage time and time again to represent our relationship with God in the covenant. Jesus is the Bridegroom who prepares His Bride and eagerly awaits union with Her. Scripture likens faithfulness to the covenantal relationship to the faithfulness of spouses. The covenant is a family relationship. So the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony represents the Church’s covenantal relationship with God.

How does marriage bring about the sign of the Sacrament?

While the marriage imagery used in the Bible is stunning, it begs a serious question. How can marriage be an efficacious sign of covenantal love? It starts with God’s call to the couple to love each other with the selfless love of Christ. As they grow in love, they create an environment of love. They then welcome new life into this environment of love, creating a family. Through their family love, they bring their children to God’s love and God’s family through Baptism and the other Sacraments. Therefore, their marriage brings about the Covenantal love signified by the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony. 

Expecting More, Loving More, Living More

Sacraments are not just quaint religious ceremonies that mark special times in our lives. The Sacraments give us the grace to bring about what they signify. In turn, each Sacrament also calls us to cooperate with grace to make its effects real in our souls. Holy Matrimony calls us to so much more than just remaining faithful to each other and offering children a stable family life. It calls us to bring about the Kingdom of God in genuine, practical ways.

Cooperating with the grace of the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony means:

  • Understanding love as more than emotional bonding and self-fulfillment, but as a choice and a selfless gift of self.

  • Serving and loving your children more selflessly every day. This means constantly becoming a better parent!

The message we hear in our culture is how meaningless life is when you sacrifice your dreams for the sake of your family. When that’s our viewpoint, then the secularists may be right. We are expecting too much of marriage and family life when we refuse to give up our selfishness.

On the other hand, when Jesus leads us by grace to be more like Him, we discover that sacrificing our aspirations for the sake of our spouse and family is how we find true happiness and fulfillment. Through grace, we can find our meaning and purpose by loving with the very love of God. 

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