Marriage After Kids: Losing Freedom to Gain Life

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They say kids take away your romantic freedom. They are right about that!

They also say freedom is the key to happiness. That’s where they’re wrong.

Having children is the next natural step after marriage, much like getting married is the next natural step after dating. The modern world finds that very hard to recognize!

The common trope “Enjoy it while it lasts! After kids, you won’t get date nights or sleep anymore” sounds eerily similar to “Enjoy dating while you can! Once you get married, all that romantic stuff stops.” 

While these statements aren’t objectively incorrect, they miss the points of marriage and dating entirely. Of course, the romantic love letters and three-hour phone calls and the thrill of getting engaged comes to an end. You’re trading those in for something far better: a new life living together as a married couple. Of course, sleeping through the night and enjoying a silent breakfast together stops when your family grows. You’re trading it in for something far better: new life in your children.

Dating around is for the purpose of finding the person you want to marry.

How silly it is to tell singles “Oh boy, enjoy dating many people while it lasts! That’s all over when you find your spouse!” That’s exactly why you date in the first place. (At least in Catholic circles.) And yet, this pessimistic mentality is almost a normal way to look at having children these days.

A couple gets married because they want to create a family, hopefully, a holy Catholic one. Usually, this means they want to have children together since they are one of the primary purposes of marriage. Saying “Watch out, your marriage will be on the rocks when kids come along!” negates the reason why you get married in the first place.

Of course, there is the argument to be made that you do lose a lot of free time and sleep when you have children, just like you generally lose a little infatuation and romance after getting married. These things generally hold true. But do they mean your marriage will be less happy?

Let’s begin with the common assumption that having freedom = being happy.

Following this logic, losing freedom = losing happiness. Through this lens, anything or anyone who limits your freedom is limiting your joy.

This is so false I don’t even know where to start.

The modern sense of freedom is choosing what you want to do whenever you want to do it. This does not automatically make you happy! For example, let’s look at the months of quarantine most of the world went through this past year. How many of those endlessly free days alone turned into phone scrolling, Netflix binging, wishing for change, or desiring more things to do? All of these things result from the complete “freedom” social isolation brought. Did any create happiness? No.

In that same vein, having obligations and responsibilities also does not make you unhappy. Think of your beloved family and friends, your hobbies, and your faith. All of them take time, commitment, and effort from us. Does this responsibility make us miserable? No. Usually, it’s just the opposite.

You see, a life without responsibility is a life without purpose.

Purpose gives us joy and hope and life. Life without purpose is a recipe for depression and despair. Obligations and responsibilities make us happier, especially when we are referring to spouses and children. They give us a joyful purpose!

Just as paying attention to your spouse isn’t a “ball and chain,” raising children isn’t a chore. Children are people you love dearly, in every way, and you want to be responsible to them just as you are responsible for your beloved spouse. I don’t know about you, but I married my husband because I love him and wanted to devote my life to him. Our baby son is an extension of this!

Overall, if you still have doubts about marital happiness after children, compare it to the process of dating. Does devoting time to your boyfriend or girlfriend take effort? Does being in a relationship give you more things to juggle? Make life decisions more complicated now that you’ve got another person to consider first?

Of course. Do those things make you less happy? Of course not.

And it’s exactly the same when you have children. 

Will having children make life a little harder? Make your marriage a little more stressful or chaotic? Will you get less time together, less sleep, and less freedom? Absolutely.

But don’t think for one minute giving up those things means you’ll be less happy. Just like getting married: you’ll lose your freedom, but you’ll gain life.

And it’s one of the best things that can happen to you.

P.S. This week is National Marriage Week! So, stay tuned for more articles that celebrate the unique joys of Catholic marriage from a variety of perspectives.

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