What I Wish I Would Have Known Before Becoming a Wife

36

I spent my entire adolescence promising my parents I would never get married or have children.

I would tell my parents to just not worry about that for me, that they had two other children and would get their fill of weddings and grandchildren from them. I said this to them multiple times a week, pretty much up until the day I met my now-husband.

Safe to say, when I told them that I met “this guy… that I actually really like,” they were surprised but cautious. I had had boyfriends before. When I said I wanted to marry him when I came home from college on a break, they were absolutely shocked. And I think it took them months to wrap their head around the huge transition that I took in my stance on how I was going to live my life. I married him two years later.

In the process of engagement, I heard and learned (but mostly heard) a lot about what it means to become a wife.

man and woman holding a

A lot of it was positive, some of it was negative. Honestly, the advice could usually be traced back to the kind of marriage experience that people had themselves. 

The gist was this: teamwork makes the dream work, there is no such thing as over-communication, and be prepared to let the years wear on you as each decade passes.

So, mostly pretty good. Some cautionary. But mostly good. I definitely looked forward to becoming a wife, especially to this man. But in fulfilling the vocation itself, language pertaining to that was mostly, “you’ll see what I mean when you get there.”

For anyone looking to get married, or in the process of pre-Cana already, here are some things I wish I would have known before becoming a wife.

And these points are different from the rest for the following reasons: they are empowering, they point to a deeper vocation that’s placed on all our hearts, and they are rooted in the freedom of Christ.

1. Your vocation is something specifically picked out for you by the Lord instead of something to navigate solo.

When I started to look at marriage this way, I suddenly got a lot more confidence in the Lord’s plan for me if I entered into this vocation. If He planned it for me to enter into, that means He planned it for me to go through as well. This vocation was something I had to discern entering into—yes—but it wasn’t something I “found”… it was something waiting for me.

God knew. And He led me here. And is He doing the same for you.

2. Your marriage doesn’t have to look like EITHER of your parents’ marriage. 

This applies to people with great marriages on both sides, with broken marriages on both sides, or a combination of the two. I was always under the impression that you followed and took major notes from the successful parents. And not that you don’t at all, but that upon God calling you into this vocation, He’s calling you to show a specific side of His love and plan for His children in a way only you can do.

You are allowed—and supposed to—make your marriage your own. 

3. Things are allowed to stop with you.

bride and groom embracing

This was a big lesson that I learned in the first few years of getting married. My husband and I have gotten comments about everything: our choice to travel so much, our choice to get married so young, when the babies would come, when a house and mortgage would appear, etc.

Most weren’t offensive, but I learned one big thing that has absolutely changed the way I talk to other couples: you have no idea what’s going on behind closed doors; assume nothing when it comes to “next steps”. Those people who asked us if babies were coming soon had no idea we had already had two miscarriages. And when people questioned why we were saving to travel the world (pre-baby) instead of for a house, we just quietly said, “we just want to see the world right now.”

So, if you’re tired of questions that you perhaps get from people, know that that can stop with you. You have a huge influence on your own circle, and one way to change things up is to start the change yourself!

4. Disagreements are not always accompanied by yelling.

It is one thing to know how to communicate, it’s another to know how to disagree with your spouse, and then makeup. Catholics are huge on love languages… take the apology language quiz while you’re at it! And I promise it’ll provide some clarity.

It doesn’t matter if the disagreement is small or large, there is a learning curve to that world of communication with your new spouse. And something I couldn’t have named that I thought was necessary, but that I was slowly taught by my husband wasn’t always necessary, is a raised voice (and consequently heightened anger, tension, and the likelihood of saying things you don’t mean) when it comes to disagreeing.

Today’s culture portrays any disagreement as dramatic and earth-shattering between couples, or silently sweeping things under the rug until they catch up to you… you can pick the third road: level-headed disagreement.

5. You have much more reach in how you lead by example than you think you do to those around you.

mother and father embracing infant son

I knew that in getting married early, we were the first to make that step among our friends, and that would introduce the idea of marriage into our friend group for the first time. But I didn’t think that people were watching us like they were (in a good way). I didn’t realize how much of a witness we were, not only to people our own age who also wanted to get married, but to people our parents’ age too.

I don’t think people expected us to “not work out” by any means, but our marriage has gotten more positive attention than I could have imagined from those around us, revealing that people are taking note. The same can go for your marriage.

I think that especially in today’s world, people truly love to see love and to see it be fruitful between couples. You have a more powerful witness than you think. You can change how people see marriage. You can change how people see a “lifelong, can’t-go-back” decision into a choice filled with freedom and fun and dedication, and fruit. 

P.S. The years don’t “wear” on you. The Lord does not send you on a path that ever wears you down. Walking with the Lord in your vocation is just that: walking with the Lord. And where are you walking? Toward Heaven. That’s a path you WANT to go down!

Find Your Forever.

CatholicMatch is the largest and most trusted
Catholic dating site in the world.

Get Started for Free!CatholicMatch
— This article has been read 3503 times —