Dating as Widower: What I Learned After a Year on CatholicMatch
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Remember what it feels like when you are riding a roller coaster?
Just as you are about to cross over the crest of the rails and plummet down at a stomach-churning, white-knuckled, screaming rate of speed, you think to yourself — what possessed me to pay good money for this heart-pounding adventure?
That’s kinda-sorta how I felt when I signed up for CatholicMatch. I am too old for this! A sixty-something widower on an internet dating site? My first thought was — I hope nobody finds out about it. They might think I am a “dirty old man” trolling for good-looking middle-aged women.
Dipping my pinky toe in the dating waters, I decided it was a risk I was ready to take.
My late wife had been my best friend and the only lover I had known.
I knew for any relationship to travel down the road to matrimony, it must first start with friendship and hopefully end with romantic sparks. I always thought the best romances blossomed more fully in the fertile soil of friendship.
This was, I reasoned, especially true for seniors. It’s one thing to grow old with your wife of forty or fifty years. It’s another thing to grow old(er) with a new bride during your Medicare years. Yes, I wanted to fall into like before I fell into love.
My attitude as I entered the world of internet dating was simple. I did not have to get married again to be content. But, I was open to it. For me, this perspective was liberating. It allowed me to treat each contact respectfully, graciously, and honestly. If I never found anyone, that was still ok. It only confirmed God’s will for me to remain single. If I did find someone, then God would bless that direction too.
So, ticket punched, I got on the roller coaster.
The criteria for completing my online CatholicMatch “profile” forced me to narrow the field. One criteria checkpoint prompted a long pause. Did I want to connect with “Widowed, Divorced, Annulled, or Never Married?” My first instinct was to consider only women who were widowed. After all, we shared a common experience — grief. I also feared the other categories might have too much “baggage.”
This is my true confession — but, I laugh now at my naïveté. It wasn’t long before the reality of dating as a senior citizen hit me upside the head like a ball-peen hammer. “Buddy,” I soon told myself, “everybody at this age, regardless of their previous relationships, has baggage, lots and lots of baggage, packed with decades of experiences.” Deal with it.
My criteria needed to expand. So, it did.
But, not too much. My five adult children had only one criteria requirement. They were supportive of me dating as long as it was someone older than them and their spouses. So, with that single criteria in mind, I expanded my search on CatholicMatch to include women who were widowed, divorced, or single their whole lives.
As I dialogued with different ladies, I met some wonderful women and even dated a few of them. I found women of strong faith whose lives had taken many a winding turn. While no sparks flew in these initial encounters, I found the conversations engaging. We often discussed our common concerns and encouraged one another even though we both knew our relationship would not be going down a romantic path.
As my first year on CatholicMatch continued, I further fine-tuned my criteria. Eventually, I summed up what I was looking for with this one solitary guide in mind: “If I am to marry again, it would only be because we are better together than apart.” I know what you are thinking: “Buddy, that sounds more like a corporate merger than a romantic relationship.” Yet, I still felt like I was on the right path. Call it a “God nudge.”
Being better together meant having that “someone” in my life who sparked a desire within me to be a better man, a better husband, and a better father. She would not be a “replacement” wife, a “trophy” wife, or a “nurse with a purse.” She would be a helpmate on the walk of faith, whose presence blessed me and whose absence prompted a longing within me to be with her. Just as important, she must be someone who viewed me through that same lens.
Looking back at my early days on CatholicMatch, I had to chuckle at how my criteria evolved.
For me, the ultimate criteria for dating (and marriage) were not just the answers on a profile page. In the end, it was about finding the one who summons forth the best that is within me. The author, Anne Lamott, summed it up this way, “A good marriage is where both people feel like they're getting the better end of the deal.”
And that’s what I eventually considered to be my ultimate criteria.
Find Your Forever.
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