Do You Know Who You're Actually Seeking?

Do you know who you’re looking for?

Your profile is your chance to be upfront about what it is you want and don’t want in a partner. When I first read my fiancé’s profile, I was floored. Here was a woman who spelled out exactly what she wanted—and it just so happened she was describing me. I was hooked from that moment.

I’ll never forget the line that hooked me: “What it boils down to is that I'm looking for someone to share my inner life with.” I had struggled to find that in my search, and so I sensed a kindred spirit when I read that line. It was as if I had written it myself.

The simple addition of the word “inner” to an otherwise typical sentiment became something that targeted me, instead of every other guy who might be viewing her profile. She was speaking to me. (Let’s face it—most of the people on the site want to find someone to share their life with.)

So, who is it you are looking for? Here are some tips to writing a “Ideal Match” section that gets results.

Cast a wide net? Or tailor your bait for a specific catch?

If you’re testing the waters of online dating, being too specific could weed out potential mates. Often we start with a specific vision of whom we want to meet, and we miss a gem.

If you have a good idea of what you want, however, being too general could lead to a lot of contacts you have to reject. If you can’t decide which way to go, err on the side of casting a wide net. Exposure to more options could reveal something you didn’t even know you were looking for.

Mention deal-breakers.

If you don’t want someone who parties, mention it. If you want someone to attend Mass with or to pray with regularly, put it out there. Don’t be afraid of listing deal-breakers. You may feel as though you’ll scare away someone by revealing something too personal, but if you fail to mention a deal-breaker upfront you may have a mess to deal with down the road.

Be bold! Honesty helps you to avoid wasting your (and their) time.

Both my fiancé and I tend to shy away from too much social activity. We’re homebodies. I didn’t put that in my profile. When I had to bring it up on the phone it was with great relief when I heard her reveal that she was a homebody, too. That was probably something I should have stuck in my profile. It could have been disastrous if I fell for her only to find she liked to spend 4-5 evenings a week going out.

Make a list.

What have you learned from past relationships? What has frustrated you? What has fulfilled you? What things recur when you daydream about meeting a future spouse? Before you type any old thing into your "Seeking" paragraph, make a list of all the qualities you want (or don’t want) in a partner.

List mistakes you’d like to avoid. Pray about it. Try a little creative writing experiment—simply describe the life of you and your future spouse.

This is not the place to be timid. If something in that paragraph resonates with a potential date, you’ll give them an opening to talk about themselves. This could give them an “aha!” moment. They’ll feel comfortable contacting you. AND it will provide them with a more meaningful conversation starter than “So, what bands do you like?”