Prolonged Singleness: When Your Singlehood Is Extended

110

What is one to do when you find yourself single into your thirties, forties, or beyond?

This is where I found myself and it was a painful, frustrating place indeed. Relationships and marriage just seemed to come easy for other people. But not for me. The biggest quandary I faced was trying to understand what God thought about all of this. Would he answer my prayer for a spouse? Did he even care that I was in pain being single? Was it wrong to hope for marriage

Then I came across Matthew 19. God’s word did speak about my questions. Some Pharisees had approached Jesus for the purpose of testing him about divorce. Jesus replied that Moses allowed divorce due to the hardness of their hearts; however, from the beginning it was not so. (Matthew 19:4-9) The disciples were frightened by what they viewed as an impossible standard regarding marriage and divorce:

“His disciples said to him, ‘If that is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.’ He answered, ‘Not all can accept this word, but only those to whom that is granted. Some are incapable of marriage because they were born so; some, because they were made so by others; some, because they have renounced marriage for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Whoever can accept this ought to accept it.” (Matthew 19:10-12)

Wow! Jesus responds that fear is not a reason to avoid marriage and that the single life is only for those to whom it is granted.

And here is what the Church says about it...

“This unequivocal insistence on the indissolubility of the marriage bond may have left some perplexed and could seem to be a demand impossible to realize. However, Jesus has not placed on spouses a burden impossible to bear, or too heavy—heavier than the Law of Moses. By coming to restore the original order of creation disturbed by sin, he himself gives the strength and grace to live marriage in the new dimension of the reign of God. It is by following Christ, renouncing themselves, and taking up their crosses that spouses will be able to “receive” the original meaning of marriage and live it with the help of Christ. The grace of Christian marriage is a fruit of Christ’s cross, the source of all Christian life.” (Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) §1615

Going a step further, Jesus clarified that the celibate life is only for those who are called to live it: “Not all can accept this word, but only those to whom that is granted.” (Matthew 19:11) Jesus then specified only three definitive reasons that a person does not marry. Either you are born not capable of marriage, other people make you not capable of marriage, or you forsake the great good of marriage for the kingdom of heaven.

I contemplated this framework for acceptable singleness laid out by Christ.

Since I was quite sure I was not called to a religious vocation, did I fall into one of the first two categories?

In §1621-1654 of the CCC, the Church outlines four requirements necessary for a sacramental marriage covenant: (1) the spouses are free to marry each other; (2) the spouses are able and do give their free consent; (3) part of the free consent includes an intention to be faithful to each other, to be married to each other for life, and to be open to children; and (4) the consent is given in the proper ecclesial form.

I personally had not been born with any encumbrance that would keep me from fulfilling the requirements set out in the CCC.

However, an honest assessment of myself revealed that I was in the second group: people who are not able to marry because they are made so by others. Due to past wounds from my childhood, a sabotaging mindset, and the current situation in society, I was unable to attract and sustain a relationship with a man that could move towards the altar.  

This new information gave me great cause for hope.

Jesus came to set us free. With his help and a willingness to overcome, I set out to heal from these burdens that kept me entrapped in prolonged singleness. “In all these things we conquer overwhelmingly through him who loved us.” (Romans 8:37)

As I began to look at myself in prayer, I was made aware of the emotional impediments and the behaviors that kept me single. I also brought to God my deep wounds of rejection. The change did not happen overnight. Nonetheless, God heard my prayers and had mercy, enabling me to overcome my struggles and marry at the age of 42. And I hold to the belief that you, too, can overcome prolonged singleness with God’s help and marry because “nothing will be impossible for God.” (Luke 1:37

Do you believe you are stuck in prolonged singleness? Why or why not? If others have contributed to this state, like the state of society or past wounds, do you find it encouraging that God can deliver you to marriage? What steps can you begin to take to start your journey towards marriage and out of prolonged singleness?

Find Your Forever.

CatholicMatch is the largest and most trusted
Catholic dating site in the world.

Get Started for Free!CatholicMatch
— This article has been read 7958 times —