Dating Online After the Death of a Spouse: My Story

Sandy

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Online Dating Tips

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April 8th, 2019

The day that I joined CatholicMatch was the biggest step of faith I had made in a long time.

Although much time had gone by since my late husband passed away, I knew that I was still in the middle of my own healing. I had been married to my grade school sweetheart for 26 years and felt overwhelmed at the thought of “putting myself out there” to start a potentially new relationship. And on the Internet, no less!  “Sandy,” I thought to myself… “WHAT are you doing??”

But in the middle of my fear, I remembered that I wasn’t in this alone. I had asked Our Lord to watch over me on this journey, so I knew deep inside that I didn’t have anything to fear. I had already dealt with my grieving prior to joining CatholicMatch, and I would encourage every widower to get support and go through the process before considering another relationship. Journaling helped tremendously as well as spiritual reading and frequent visits to Adoration. Having a good spiritual advisor is also invaluable, if one can be found.

I carefully filled out my profile and then I searched and waited.

On our wedding day

I didn't want to relocate because I still had adult children living in the area and a great job. But the months started ticking by, and I wasn't finding anyone appropriate near me. So, I took the chance and widened my search distance in the hopes that I would find someone who was willing to relocate to my area. I have to admit that it did take me longer than I expected, but I DID find a wonderful man 1,300 miles away.

Now, that much of a long distance relationship wasn't in my plans originally, but after we started messaging, then talking on the phone, it was clear that we connected on many different levels. So, by God's grace, we moved forward, made a few visits and he eventually moved to my area where we were married. And frankly, I don't know what my life would have been like during these past eleven wonderful years had I not tried that approach and widened my search.

That being said, our long distance relationship was not easy.

I was nervous. We took our time having conversations through CatholicMatch for a while to get to know each other; for me this took about a month. Then Joe and I moved to phone calls. And if we had the technology at the time, we would have done Skype video calls, which I do recommend now.

Since we were both working at the time, I had vacation time available first, so I made the trip to see Joe. In hindsight, I like this idea because I got a good glimpse if the life he was sharing with me over the phone was true; I mean if someone says they are active in their church, but you go to Mass with him on your first visit and no one knows him, then all the information he shared might be suspect.

I had free miles that I used for my plane ticket, and Joe offered to pay for the cost of my room in a nearby hotel to offset the cost of my trip. I agreed to this because I had already established a level of trust with Joe after communicating over a month with phone calls and letters. But I would caution anyone else when doing this if you haven't established some trust. Just be prepared to cover the cost of the trip and find discounts through online sources.

That way, if there isn’t a good connection when meeting in person, you are independent enough to leave. And always let a friend or family member know your itinerary and contact numbers while away and check in with them frequently.

Now, I was also worried that we might not hit it off in person, or that he might not show up at the airport to pick me up, or that he wouldn’t like what I looked like in person. But of course, these were all just from insecurity and fear. We did hit it off, and I’m glad that I made the visit first.

Joe came for a visit about two months later and we were both anxious to see each other again.

In the meantime, we continued to stay in touch by messaging each other offsite, through phone calls and through “snail mail” letters. Nowadays, it would be so much easier to keep the relationship exciting through video calls and text messaging. The time in between visits was difficult, but it kept us looking forward to seeing each other again. And most importantly, it caused us to be creative and develop a strong communication relationship as a foundation that has carried over into our marriage.

The great thing about dating when older is that we have a pretty good idea of what traits in a person we can compromise on and what we won’t. But including God’s will in the equation is paramount which definitely helps when the trials come. We remember the work and prayer that went into our relationship, as well as the very specific God moments we experienced before marriage. This helps us remember that God’s grace placed us in each other’s lives for a greater purpose than the specific trial we are facing at any given time, and so we are firm in the knowledge that His Sacramental grace will see us through.

Family members were surprised at how quickly our relationship progressed to marriage (1 year and 1 month since we met on CatholicMatch), but they were supportive.

11 years of marriage!