Life After The Death of A Spouse: Part Two

Last year around this time, I introduced you to Michael, a CatholicMatch widower, and I am so appreciative of his willingness to share his thoughts on rebuilding one's life after losing a spouse to death.

Now, I'd like to introduce you to another CatholicMatch member who is also a widower and not only share his story with you, but point out some notable differences and similarities between the experiences of death and divorce.

So many people assume the divorce experience is like death and has all the same sort of suffering and challenges. But I think you'll be interested to read what I found.

Walter's Story

Meet Walter, who is taking great strides to rebuild his life after losing his wife to colon cancer. He describes his terrible loss and learning to be on his own:

My wife was diagnosed with colon cancer and it was in the advanced stage. She took treatments for 2 years, but we knew there was little hope. We even tried MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston. The disease just took her. I tried to believe she would go into remission, but I guess God had other ideas. The greatest challenge was just going on with life. Part of me died too. We were married for 38 years. We did everything together, both socially and decision wise. Our marriage was real. We made it work in good times and bad. My oldest son stayed with me for a while and that helped. Part of the challenge was learning to do things I never did before. She took care of the clothes and cooking. Fortunately my oldest son cooked so I went to his house for dinner. Learning how to open a cereal box for breakfast was easy. :-)

I lived in Missouri, but the problem there is winter. You are in the house almost half the year. I had bought a house when we came to Texas for my wife's final treatments, so I studied for my Texas real estate license and came here temporarily. Well, I began to like it in Texas. About six months after I started living there, I found a group called Bayou City Outdoors. I checked into the group and joined. Even though I was older, everyone accepted me. It is not a dating group, but there are people who met in the group and are married or dating. Even though I have not found love, I am very popular and I can outdo most of the younger people in the activities that I participate in. Therefore, I have earned their respect.

I am coping by being with friends and making new friends. I still can't go to shows or anything where couples or families go. It is even hard in the group when many of the couples dominate the attendance at the activity. I feel out of place. Based on this, I would encourage widowed people to get involved in something they enjoy doing. But most of all, do it with a group. There are meetups all over the country. Meetups cover a lot of different activities, but they are specific to a particular activity. 

What advice would I give? Join a group, start a group, volunteer etc. After the death of a spouse it is hard to get motivated. It sometimes takes someone to push this person. Most of all, widowed people need a friend. I hid my sadness and probably most people do.

I am so grateful that Walter and Michael were willing to share their experiences with us and it clarified some of the similarities and differences between losing a spouse to death and losing one in divorce. Here is what I noticed.

A Stark Difference

Walter's words: In a divorce it usually means that two people can't get along and they decide to split up. In death, you can never be friends with your lost spouse. It is final. After many years of being a couple, now you are alone.

My observation: I found this to be a very striking and heartbreaking difference, not because I think all divorced spouses should be friends with their ex-spouses, but because at least there is the possibility of making peace with them and being cordial or friendly.

Some Interesting Similarities

Walter's words: I thought this would be easy after 7 years, but doing this was very, very painful.

My observation: It is the same for a divorced person who goes through the annulment process. He is asked to recall painful memories and record them for someone else to read, but always with the goal of facing the past and laying it to rest.

Walter's words: When you are widowed, it is easy to go hide and wait to die. 

My observation: Any committed spouse who goes through a divorce understands this very well. The pain is so bad that you are tempted to hide away and feel like there is nothing to look forward to.

In the end, Walter states, I am so glad to be a part of the CatholicMatch community where people can meet, make new friends, share their stories knowing they will be treated with dignity, and find love again.

And I think that is something we can all do!