When Boundaries Turn Into Dating Cancel Culture

The term “cancel culture” is ascendant in American society and politics.

It refers to a movement to effectively cancel a person or business for the slightest disagreement. The dangers of cancel culture have taken on a presence in the U.S. presidential campaign. But though the term may be new, the premise has been around and is very widespread. In fact, online dating has its own form of cancel culture.

Cancel culture on a platform like CatholicMatch could happen when a person is eliminated as a dating prospect for anything on the profile that remotely rubs the other person the wrong way. Now, before anyone gets defensive, let me say that there absolutely have to be boundaries. And if you know for sure that a particular issue is a deal-breaker, it’s certainly not doing either person any favors to continue an online relationship.

So how do you tell the difference? When are you weeding someone out based on healthy boundaries and when are you “canceling” them?

The obvious first question is this—what is the reason for eliminating the prospect?

If the seven faith questions on the CatholicMatch profile reveal a difference on an issue like contraception or unmarried sex, then it’s a healthy boundary. The subject matter in this case is fundamental and it involves questions of mortal sin. A moral theologian might say the matter involved is grave.

The challenge comes on issues that fall into a gray area. I’m going to assume that the CatholicMatch population is smart enough to know that differences of opinion on things like movies, music, or TV shows are not worth canceling someone over. But what if the difference comes somewhere between the two extremes of grave matter and trivialities?

Back when I was a member of CatholicMatch—and this was a long time ago, in the early 2000s—there was a forum dustup between a woman who attended the Latin Mass and really didn’t care for the more modern church music, especially the hymn “On Eagle’s Wings.” There was a man for whom that was his favorite hymn. The forum debate got a little heated.

Deciding who was right or wrong on the issue is not important, but knowing that both held sincere convictions on something the Church has left open for discussion is. One’s belief about music and liturgy are going to impact your life together, at least at Sunday Mass. While going to separate liturgies is possible, that’s not why most people are here on CatholicMatch.

They could have easily canceled each other. But they didn’t.

They lived nearby. They met each other in person. And they got married. Clearly, it’s more than possible to look past a disagreement, even on a matter that’s dear to one’s heart, so long as it doesn’t jeopardize one’s immortal soul.

But, you say, you’ve been in different relationships. You know what you like and don’t like. If there’s something on a person’s profile, even if it’s just in their preferences, that you know you won’t like, why bother?

The phrase “red flag” exists for a reason. It’s one thing to prudently take note of something and decide to flesh it out at the appropriate time. Maybe that time will even be in the initial CatholicMatch e-mail correspondence. It’s quite another to not even bother with the vetting process and just move on. Red flags are not cancel culture.

A good way to monitor yourself might be by the following process…

*Make good use of the search filters before you pull up profiles. Anything that’s so important that it would cancel a prospect should be something you can filter by. A search can weed out people who don’t assent to all seven faith questions. A search can keep the age and geographic focus within the range you want it. If you prefer someone who’s never been married before, you can get that in a search.

*The search filters mean that you can then give the benefit of the doubt to any issues you may have with a person’s profile. When you come across something that gives you pause, observe your interior reaction. A raised eyebrow is healthy, a sign of awareness and clear-thinking. An aggressive, angry reaction is a sign of cancel culture lingering within you. There’s likely a wound from the past that’s triggering something and you don’t want past wounds to hurt present and future relationships.

*Once you’ve identified the issue, reach out anyway. Figure out a way to talk about it on e-mail, phone, or video. Get a better sense of where the other person is at and why. Context can make all the difference.

Finding the right person is hard. It’s messy. Don’t make it harder on yourself by canceling viable prospects before doing your due diligence.