Bring the Spark Back to Your Relationship

Looking for the best way to stoke the fire of romance in your marriage or committed relationship?

You might wonder why I’m writing this, as my marriage is not even two years old. Ironic, right? I see it too. But here I am anyway. Why?

Although I don’t have fifty years of experience under my belt, I want to address this topic simply because of how important it is. We all want our own marriage to be full of romance and tenderness, and we want that for other people, too.

However, the permanency and duration of marriage can sometimes dull a romantic spark. Most couples feel a bit stale or bored at some point in their relationship! (This can happen in committed dating, too, especially when you're socially isolated . . . thank you, pandemic.) Strengthening existing marriages is paramount to keeping Catholic families alive.

Whether it’s years of monotonous daily work, unexpected life circumstances, or anything else dulling your romance, take heart. The spark of romance usually doesn’t die outright, but it can lay hibernating under the ashes for a while. Let’s explore how to fan it back into a full flame!

First, let’s get a basic idea straight. Society likes to tell us that when we feel romantic, we act romantic. When we feel stale, we act stale. But contrary to this, feelings and emotions actually follow action, not the other way around. 

So you can kick-start your romance at any point! Yes, date nights are important but don’t always happen consistently due to children and life circumstances. But dates aren’t the only way to keep your marriage thriving! Add in a few of these ideas, and you’ll be set to keep nurturing your romance till death do you part.

Separately:

• Go back and reread old love letters, diary entries, or anything written you shared early on in your relationship. Remind yourself why you got together in the first place! I still have our record of CatholicMatch messages which are really fun to read through once in a while.

• Look through old photos of you both, relive some of those memories. Think about how you felt when you first saw that wonderful face, first held hands, or anything special to you.

• Spend time doing something surprising for the other person. Ruminate on how happy your spouse will be when they discover it! This is a great way for cholerics to channel their energy and drive. On the opposite side, make a serious effort to appreciate it when you’re the recipient of this behavior. Even if you don’t understand why they picked the ugly color shirt, or if the flowers are half dead, make sure they know you value their expressions of love. 

• Say thank you. And say it creatively. Replace “Thanks for doing that” with “I really appreciate how you ______” or “Wow, you’re really on top of this today!”

• Research each other’s love languages. Doing this separately gives you a chance to really think about how you might surprise your loved one in a way that is super special to them.

• Don’t be afraid to spend some time apart, either. Offer to babysit for one another so your spouse can go do something solo. Romance needs some space to blossom. Ensuring you both have enough recharge time will go a long way for melancholics, especially.

Together:

• Kiss at least once a day. Dopamine can do wonders for bonding.

• Flirt! Ridiculously! “Wow, the way you filled the car with gas is such a turn on!” or “I see thou hast chosen to wear mine favorite color this eve.” Just be weird and silly and focus on your spouse. Make it a game to see who can be most creative, or use the best accent, or whatever.

• Change demands into questions. Instead of “Do the dishes please!” try “Would you be willing to wash the dishes for me?” It shifts the locus of control to your spouse. No matter how politely you tell someone to do something, you’re still telling. Asking gives them the chance to choose helpfulness and not feel nagged. Phlegmatics particularly might appreciate this subtle change.

• Join in on each other’s hobbies, at least once. My husband ordered a Bob Ross couple’s painting kit for my birthday this past year, even though he’s never painted a day in his life. His enthusiasm, thoughtfulness, and game-for-anything attitude made my entire month and still makes me grin! 

• Start up a completely new hobby together. If you can find something you’re both interested in, fantastic! And if you can’t, find something you’re both equally bad at. It will give you lots of opportunity to laugh together and be silly—perfect for sanguines!

• Be coupley in public. Hold hands through the store. Cuddle on the park bench. Dance together. Public displays of affection solidify our feelings of commitment and romance. You’ve chosen someone to be your one and only, so don’t be afraid to publicly declare it. (Obviously, be appropriate! Just . . . coupley. Think Disney.)

Kindle the flame.

As stated at the beginning of this article, you’re probably in the dating stage right now, so a lot of this may not apply to you at the moment. That’s okay! The takeaway then is simply to reflect on this once in a while. It’s easy to get entirely focused on dating and getting to the altar. But honing in so tightly will rob you of the full scope of marriage. Maybe try this: every few dates, intentionally “zoom-out” your lens beyond dating and engagement. Reflect a little bit about the permanency marriage brings, consider how that might affect the initial spark.

If you’re in a relationship, practice a few of the things on the list, and ask yourself what you’d like to remember best thirty years down the road. Overall, whatever your relationship status, keep in mind that your initial spark is worth rekindling, whether that’s now or down the road.