Is Your Online Profile Scaring Away Your Match?

When I’m not writing columns for all of you lovely single Catholics, I spend my time selling real estate. And in the real estate world, we have a saying: “Buyers are liars.” It isn’t that we think that everybody who is buying a house is dishonest. It is just that what buyers initially tell us that they want and what the wind up buying are often two very different things.

Take my brother, for instance. Several years ago we were looking for a new house for him. He insisted that he wanted a single family home with a big yard, so that his yellow lab Jake would have lots of space to roam and explore. So we looked at oodles of houses with big yards, but he didn’t love any of them. Then one day he called me. “I’m in the sales office over at Riverfront, and they have a place here I love. Come meet me right away.”

“Riverfront?  Those are high-rise condos. What about Jake and his big yard?”

“I think I can teach him to pee in a box.”

Buyers are liars.

My brother wasn’t lying when he said he wanted a house with a big yard. But that was in the abstract. When he found a real, brick-and-mortar place that he loved, suddenly that requirement wasn’t so important to him anymore.

I think the same thing can be true of online dating. We see that big, blank “my ideal match” section, and we see it as our chance to build our dream partner. So we load it up with traits and characteristics that we think are important to us. Some of them really are important. Honesty, integrity, shared faith — those should be non-negotiable.

But what about all of that other stuff?

I think of some of the “requirements” I see on CatholicMatch profiles. And I think of some of the requirements I’ve held over the years. And I wonder if they’re really as important as we’re making them.

“Looking for someone who’s athletic.” That’s nice, of course, if you are athletic. But is it really a deal-breaker? Can you imagine spending your life with someone you’re crazy about — someone who loves you, laughs with you, is completely loyal to you, but doesn’t run marathons?

“Must be non-smoker.” For many of us, this is a no-brainer. But then I look back on my life, and I can think of a few really wonderful men I have known who smoked. Some were trying to quit. Some just smoked very occasionally. Some smoked the occasional cigar, which I actually like. I hate to think of good women missing out on these good men over something that could change, or could be easily managed.

I’m sure you can come up with a million more examples yourselves.

But what if you just say you “prefer” a runner or a cook or someone who likes to take long walks on the beach? It’s not a requirement. OK, but what do you think when you see that on somebody’s profile? Does it make you more or less likely to initiate contact, when that preference doesn’t describe you? You think “This person prefers someone else.” And you move on.

Sometimes, I look at the “ideal match” section of profiles, and I think “good luck finding that.” They describe a fantasy world.

“You will brighten my every day.”

“We will live in a romantic bliss.”

People look at that and think “Well, there’s no way I’m going to measure up to that, so I guess I’d better move on.”

You are, of course, entitled to hold any requirement or preferences that you like. And if some trait — or the absence of a trait — is truly a deal-breaker, then by all means say so. As I said, there are a lot of things that should  be deal breakers.

But I would encourage you to take a good look at your profile. How specific have you been in describing you “ideal match”? How realistic is it?

Are all of the characteristics you listed really that important? Or are you just trying to build Frankenguy or Frankengirl out of a collection of personal traits that you think would comprise your perfect abstract someone? If you met a flesh-and-blood person who was fabulous and fun and faithful and completely compatible with you, but lacked in this particular area, would you walk away?

If not, I think it’s time do to some editing.