What I Learned From The Blind Date of All Blind Dates

It was the blind date of blind dates.

Let’s admit "blind-date" has really come to mean "Blind-except-that-I've-creeped-her-Facebook-through-mutual-friends-date.”

I'd been on a couple like the latter before, but in a rare show of self-control I managed to limit our interaction to a couple brief phone conversations to set the date. I went all-out on the wardrobe, picked a classy upper-east side Manhattan wine bar, bought flowers. I’d worked so many images of what I thought she'd be like from her voice on the phone.

Hope sprang eternal.

Then she walked through the door and I was disappointed. Not because she wasn't at all attractive, she definitely was, but she just wasn't "what I was looking for." And I felt like a total jerk when all these thoughts hit me.

Could I really be this shallow?

As single, dating Catholics I believe we find ourselves in one of the most challenging relationship struggles there is. We're torn between a world offering us idealized examples of what our future partner should be, and the knowledge that the value and identity of a human being goes so much deeper than skin.

So I think we, at least speaking for the men, have to admit we might not be as virtuous in our attractions as we'd like to believe. I’ve been tempted in my own limited foray into online dating to skip right past profiles until I find a pretty face. And this despite the fact I’ve already in theory done the narrowing down by plugging in the general qualities I’m looking for in someone.

Often we do this in person too, right? A new attractive Catholic arrives on the scene and the singles can descend like piranhas.

This isn’t to paint a hopeless picture of the single Catholic mind, in fact I’m often impressed by the virtue of many of my friends in how they’ve pursued their current significant other or spouse. I do find room to challenge us in the subtle ways our own attractions might be based on features which aren’t necessary or enduring parts of the person and soul we might one day be united to in marriage.

So what’s “shallowness” mean here?

Anything which causes us to skip past the value of the sum total human in front of us, either digitally or physically, for the sake what their most immediate attractive features can offer us.

Whether it's a hang up on physical beauty, intellect, humor, etc., we can find ourselves trapped in limiting that person to a box. It prevents us from seeing a person in what C.S. Lewis would have called their “four-square, independent reality.”

We have to find that balance between the goodness of natural attraction, while also realizing our ability to appreciate those facets might be limited by the heavily superficial and over-sexualized culture we find ourselves in.

I'm 6'5, it's not out of the realm of reason that I would initially find taller women more attractive. But if I limit the women I date, shoot, even the women I intentionally invest in as friends based on that feature?

Sounds like a recipe for unfulfilling relationships. What should we be attracted to then?

In the same sense we encounter the Catholic faith through both faith and reason, we encounter the people around us through both body and soul. We encounter them as they’ve been created physically, and encounter the Creator within them.

The goal then is to appreciate the work of the God who has made them good, and the way our own hearts are individually designed to respond to that fundamental call for companionship and relationship.

Here are two approaches we can take in our pursuit of a spouse which might just help us rise to be the kind of men and women who seek not just another person, but our God in them.

1.Put God first. (I know you know that, but seriously, do it)

Our only guarantee we have for finding happiness in relationships is seeking first intimacy with God. Period. Again, not in an extreme of sitting in our room praying until a knock on the door comes from the new neighbor across the hall who just so happens to be super cute, faithful, fun, and we fall in love and bam, VOCATION!

On a deeper level, as we grow in relationship with Christ we are able to see ourselves and others in a more perfect light. We come to discover His desires for us, even begin to want them ourselves. So make sure prayer and the sacraments are in order in your life, meaning seeking God is the order around which your life is organized.

This sounds simplistic, I get that. But it’s truth, and simple to pursue.

You‘re dating to find a spouse to help lead them to Heaven. Pretty crucial to know the God you’re leading them to well yourself, first.

2. Change your standards. Sort of.

Another strain on the Christian heart is the battle between having high standards for a good, holy spouse, and unrealistic expectations for encountering perfect complementarity. Part of us wants a lover with whom we’ll have no conflicts, no inadequacies, right? I’m not suggesting we lower our standards, as if God has given up on dating in the twenty-first century.

Doesn’t the Bible ask what man when his son asks him for bread would give him Tinder? Something like that.

In a very real way, sit down and honestly write out what you’re looking for in a spouse. Common interests, physical appearance, spiritual life. Will they drink a margarita with you before noon on any given day, just because? Don’t censor your gut-reflexes, just brutal honesty here folks. Then ask yourself what’s truly necessary. What in my attractions is of God, where might I be falling short?

John Paul II said “It is the duty of every man to uphold the dignity of every woman” and the reverse proves true.

That is the standard by which we should judge our relationships.

Transparency within our own hearts on where we might be lacking in that pursuit will allow us to seek direction from friends, spiritual mentors, and prayer to guide us in creating standards based on a truer love.

In conclusion, St. Paul of the Cross encourages us to “throw ourselves into the ocean of His goodness, where every failing will be canceled and anxiety turned into love.”

Let’s not settle for the kiddie pool.