Please Call Me To Discuss The Claims You Made About Marriage

The email message said, “Please call me to discuss the claims you make about marriage in your presentation last evening.” This is a great way to start my morning, I thought sarcastically. Spending time listening to a disgruntled child of God is rarely uplifting.

Little good will come out of this, I thought. That’s why it took a lot of effort to pull up my big girl pants and dial the number.

After exchanging pleasantries and a bit of personal history, the young adult shared her concerns: marriage is not permanent; it is not the best foundation for a family or society; it does not have a divine connection. And then she put the cherry on top of her argument. “Your ideal of marriage is biased.”

Well, yes, I am biased.

I thought to myself: my idea of marriage is biased. I grew up in a home filled with children that were raised by parents in a (mostly) joyous environment. Mom and Dad were faithful teammates; each with their own set of tasks that contributed to the common good of the family. They talked respectfully about each other and the world. They openly professed their faith in God and believed in absolute rights and wrongs. And, they never left a doubt that married love lasts until death.

So, I agreed with her. She took an audible pause which allowed me to share my personal story of being raised within a sacramental marriage. She went silent again and then spoke. “I was not raised that way.”

Her lived experience was nearly polar opposite to mine. She was raised by two professionals who spent lots of time traveling in different directions, and she had no siblings. Her parents' marriage was tried by separations and never seemed joyful to her. Her family claimed to be spiritual but certainly not religious. Family was not a source of joy and unity to her, but rather one of disconnectedness, tension, and loneliness.

What is it about sacramental marriage that turns people away?

She expressed qualms about marriage because it makes life complicated. Yet, she was open to sharing parts of her life with someone who would curb loneliness. She conceded that a friend with benefits was nice but did not warrant a long term commitment. In her estimation, her life choices were reasoned, soundly valid and left no negative impact on society.

Her matter of fact statements made me sigh. Why was sacramental marriage such a turn off for her? What elements of a traditional union of one man with one woman pushed her to the edge and made her email me? I decided to ask her.

“Ideal marriage takes too much effort and I do not want to expend that effort,” she said.

Effort—that was the bottom line. No one wants to do something that is difficult, takes time and is perceived as fruitless. This woman watched her parents put effort into a marriage that didn’t bear positive results. It was easy to connect the dots between her lived experience and her conclusion.

Suddenly, I understood.

“I get the effort thing,” I shared. “To be perfectly honest, I didn’t want to put the effort into calling you this morning because I didn’t think this conversation would amount to much. However, I am glad that I did call because your comments have brought me a new perspective to consider when talking about marriage. It’s humbling to admit this, but you’ve changed my thinking about a few things.”

There was a long silence before she spoke. “You’re welcome.” And then she added. “You’ve given me things to think about as well.”

On any given day, our work flow is interrupted by calls and emails and conversations that appear futile. It takes a lot of effort to respond to these disruptions in a Christ-like manner. Might I suggest that the real harvest of marriage ministry is found in what we receive rather than what we plan? Keeping this in mind here are a few ideas on how to be open to God’s surprises.

1. Plan for interruptions—Leave open slots in your schedule each day to respond to unexpected calls and emails.

2. Learn how to ask good questions—Some questions lead to wandering and others focus the conversation. Develop your list of good questions that help people focus on the issue at hand.

3. Pray for guidance from the Holy Spirit—before responding, say this prayer. “Holy Spirit, be with me. Help me to do your will.”