Advocate for Your Future Kids While You're Single

I am 34 years old and I have never changed a diaper.

What's my excuse? First, I'm not a parent. I'm also not an aunt. I also have no younger siblings and I'm only a year older than my youngest local cousin. So giving diaper changing a try as a child wasn't an option, either. And—if I can be frank—some duties are best left to a baby's mom or dad.

But that doesn't mean we who hope someday to get married and raise families shouldn't be preparing for that now. Being a wife or a husband, a mom or a dad is a vocation. And your vocation isn't just for you. 

What you do with and for and in the presence of your children in the future will have an impact on their happiness, their healthiness, and their holiness. But what you do today will determine what you can do with and for your children.

Here are 4 ways to advocate for them long before they're born.

1. With how you spend your money.

When I graduated from high school, I had $10K in the bank, which I'd accumulated in cash birthday gifts, Popeyes Chicken paychecks, and the money I made on my earliest freelance writing assignments. In my first year of college, I spent it all—and most of it at Starbucks. And I don't even drink coffee!

The point is that the past 'me' made choices that affect present 'me'. I could use an extra $10K today. That's why one way to advocate for your future kids while you're single is with your money.

It might feel good to spend all you make or to borrow to spend even more. But future you will be pretty mad at present you if your choices today make meeting your kids' needs harder than it has to be. It costs a lot to raise kids, but living below your means now, having an emergency fund, and paying off and steering clear of debt can give you a valuable head start. Saving for retirement helps your future kids, too. What you do today determines in part what they'll have to do for you when you get old. And what they'll have to do for you then should matter to you.

2. With how you handle your wounds.

A while ago, I saw a meme that said, "People in therapy are often in therapy to deal with the people in their lives who won't go to therapy." I don't know the quote's source but I do know this: The quote is true. All of us have wounds. Nobody is immune to trauma.

In our families of origin, we all witnessed, experienced, or felt the effects of something: illness, addiction, abuse, death, neglect, divorce, infidelity. We didn't choose to be hurt. But we can choose how to handle our wounds. And it's worth noting that a lot of our wounds were caused by people who chose not to handle their own.

I'm talking about the addicted mom who used alcohol to numb her pain and in the process, caused most of yours. Or the unfaithful dad who felt abandoned by his parents as a child, who left your mom, and in the process, abandoned you. The reason people deny, run from, or numb their wounds is complex.

But it's in denying, running from, or numbing their wounds that family members (or strangers) wounded us. And it's in facing your wounds in counseling and spiritual direction today that your wounds become less likely to wound your future kids.

3. With who and when you choose to date.

Your kids are probably going to grow up and turn into one of you. So as you get to know the people you date, it's reasonable to ask: "Would I be OK with it if my kids grew up and turned into this person? Would I be OK with it if my kids grew up and turned into me?" I don't believe there are right people and wrong people to date as much as there are wise choices and unwise choices, people who are willing to love and people who aren't.

It would be unwise, for instance, to date a guy to whom you're physically attracted because you're physically attracted to him and without regard for his nonexistent prayer life, his misplaced priorities, or his resistance to making sacrifices. And it would be just as unwise to date at all without regard for your own nonexistent prayer life, misplaced priorities, or resistance to making sacrifices.

Dating is a path to marriage, but it's also a path to parenthood. And if we want our future kids to have parents who love Jesus and love others well, we have to be (and date) people who do those things, too.

4. With how consistently you pray.

We become like the people we spend time with. Have you been spending time with Jesus? Your future kids are going to spend a lot of time with you, and whether you are Christlike can contribute to whether your kids will be Christlike, too. Your kids will have a hard time concluding that a relationship with God is important if it isn't something they see you prioritize.

Plus, it's in a prayer life that peace and patience and perspective are borne. Kids need parents who have those things, but prayer lives take time to cultivate. Why wait until your kids are already born to pray consistently?

Intimacy with the Lord today will refine your desires. The more depth your relationship with Him has, the more likely you'll be to make choices that won't jeopardize it. Nearness to Him while you date and discern will affect who you marry—who'll parent your kids with you—and it'll affect why you get married.

It'll have an impact on how you treat your spouse. Our kids will learn what marriage should look like by observing ours, and we can't have marriages that illustrate God's love for us if we aren't familiar with God's love. So while you're still single, avail yourself to it.

And yeah, I know: You don't know today whether you will get married, let alone whether you will have kids.

But managing your money, facing your pain, dating wisely, and consistently praying won't hurt you. 

And imagine how you'd feel finding out that your parents thought of you "before you were formed in the womb"—that you mattered to them before you existed, that they showed up for you before they even had to.

Then, consider how your kids would feel upon learning how long they have mattered to you.