Transform Your Suffering After Divorce

One day, as I was standing in a coffee shop waiting for my drink, I spotted someone who looked so much like my ex-spouse that for a moment, I panicked. My adrenaline started pumping and I had to catch my breath. Luckily, it was not him, but the whole experience left me feeling very sad. I wondered why these kinds of emotions were still having an affect on me years after my divorce?

Have you experienced something similar? Because divorce is a traumatic event, it's likely there will always be some sort of pain associated with memories of your divorce. The sting will dull and fade as time goes by, but it will be there, nonetheless. Even when your life is very happy, something will remind you of the past . . . a song, a movie, an old memento, meeting someone who resembles your ex-spouse, etc., and it will hurt. You may even shed a tear. A great way to deal with the suffering is by channeling this lingering pain into passion.

Passion is a word originated in Latin, and literally means “to suffer.” Although this word has taken on quite a different meaning these days, the original definition was the willing suffering of Christ. These days, the word "passion" has become synonymous with pleasure and what people find exciting or adventurous. But, because it is originally defined as the moment of the deepest willing suffering of Christ for our good, it is intended to describe the transcendence of human desires to a love that is willing to suffer. So, in turning your pain into passion, it means during this time in your life where you still feel the painful effects of your divorce, a time that is temporary, you choose to live it in a way that gives meaning to your suffering.

How do you do that? A great way to begin is by offering up those painful feelings for someone you know who can benefit from it. For example, maybe you know someone who is struggling with depression or other health issues. You can offer your pain to God in prayer for that person specifically, or maybe for an intention such as all married couples who are struggling and on the brink of divorce.

I know that this is contrary to the way many other people think. People tend to look for ways to end or at least soothe their suffering. But in the New Testament, this concept of praying for others and offering sacrifices on their behalf is conveyed by St. Paul repeatedly, emphasizing that intercessory prayer "is good and pleasing to God our savior" (1 Tm 2:1-4).

I urge you, brothers, by our Lord Jesus Christ and by the love of the Spirit, to join me in the struggle by your prayers to God on my behalf (Rom 15:30).

In [Jesus] we have put our hope that he will also rescue us again, as you help us with prayer (2 Cor 1:10).

My heart’s desire and prayer to God on their behalf is for salvation (Rom 10:1)

Another great way to use your suffering for a positive outcome is to allow the pain to motivate you to develop a virtuous habit, for instance, maybe pride and the need to always be right is an issue for you. You can allow those painful memories to motivate you to work on being more humble. The point is to use the pain in a positive way and in doing so you will find you become a better person as a result of having suffered well.

Trials and challenges serve specifically to strengthen and purify us. Even in sacred scripture, we have many descriptions of God as the refiner who purifies his people through fire just as silver and gold are purified. So what is most important about the suffering we face is not getting rid of it or trying to avoid it, it is learning from it and allowing it to change us into a better person.