Two Ways To Bring Balance To Your Healing Process

On more than one occasion, I've heard different people suggest that if you've been through a divorce, you should allow three years of healing for every one year you were married. Whaaatt? Talk about depressing! I don't think someone who offers that advice has really thought that one through. If you consider the fact that there are many, many divorced people who were married thirty years or more, you're actually telling them it will take ninety-plus years to heal! Sorry, ma'am, there's no end in sight for you.

No, I don't subscribe to that, especially after having gone through it all, myself. Personally, I believe healing and all the questions that go along with it—specifically how long it will take—should be considered on a case-by-case basis. Why? Because not everyone's circumstances are the same, and that makes a difference. One person may have only been married for a few years and not had children, while someone else may have been married twenty-five years and raised an entire family. One person may have had what they thought was a decent marriage, and someone else may be coming out of an abusive marriage. It just depends.

Don't get me wrong, it's not a contest about who has the worst pain, because nearly everyone who experiences this kind of loss will be devastated by it. So, when you're faced with a serious question that begs some kind of answer—how long will I feel this way?—it's important to find the common threads of this experience, to look for the tried and true things that work, no matter how your circumstances may differ from someone else's.

Be Proactive

That being said, here are a few things that are the same for everyone, things that do play a role in determining how fast or slow you will move on the path to healing. One of those things is whether or not you are pro-active in your healing process.

Take, for example, the victim. Someone who is a victim blames others for her troubles and never accepts responsibility for her own actions and poor choices. There is nothing proactive about being a victim and as long as the blame game continues, that person cannot move forward in the healing process.

So, if you are serious about wanting to heal—not just wanting to move into a more comfortable situation such as jumping into a new relationship simply for the sake of feeling better about yourself—you've got to start by being humble and sincere. Some proactive steps you can take: Talk with a counselor/therapist/spiritual director on a regular basis to work through these tough issues. Read some good books on healing after divorce. Go through the annulment process.

Finding a Balance

But, there is another critical aspect of healing from the wounds of divorce that helps to strike a balance in our efforts. That is to imitate the biblical example of Mary, sister of Martha and Lazarus, who sat at the feet of Jesus as he taught while Martha scurried around. Jesus told Martha that Mary had chosen the better part, and so should we.

What does this mean for someone trying to heal from divorce?

It's simple. Yes, we need to be proactive, but we must acknowledge that it doesn't depend on us alone. There is only so much we can do, personally, and then we have to entrust our worries and sufferings to God and let him take care of the rest.

That can be quite difficult after divorce...the trust issue. But God is close to you when you suffer and he wants to bring you out of that suffering and show you a better life. Romans 8:28 assures us that God will take our circumstances and bring good things out of them if we are faithful to him.

So, how can we be more like Mary at the feet of Jesus? Here are some suggestions:

• Recognize what you can and cannot control about your situation and place the rest in God's hands; your ex-spouse, your children, your financial situation, etc.
• Spend time in prayer, daily. The time of day is up to you, but commit to taking at least 15 minutes to connect with God. Read the gospel and reflect on it's meaning in your life, or pray the rosary, or just have intimate conversation with God in your own words. Whatever you do, make that part of your day a time when you reaffirm your trust in God and that he will take care of you.
• Attend retreats, days of recollection, parish missions, or other events that can help you foster a spirit of reflection and quiet attention to God.
• Most importantly, receive the sacraments as often as possible.

Finding the balance isn't always easy, and as with any change in behavior, it takes some practice. But if you give these suggestions a try, I believe you will be experience the healing you seek a lot sooner.

I also encourage you to check out the Journey of Hope Conference for Divorce Recovery, a chance to really make progress on the road to healing.