Being Single Does Not Make Me Inadequate

Have you ever had a total stranger try to cut you down?

With a smile on my face, I walked out of Trader Joes with a bag full of groceries on one arm and three bunches of beautiful flowers on the other. As I walked to my truck, I met a good-looking couple coming into the store. The woman, a petite blonde in her mid-twenties, turned to me—with her face pinched up—and said in a snotty voice, “Buy those to make you feel better about yourself?”

It was the day before Valentine's Day; couples were everywhere and I was feeling a little left out. After my class got out early, I choose to make the 40-minute trek to Downtown to do a little retail therapy. It was warm outside, and I was in the mood to buy some spring clothes.

When I finally arrived at Trader Joe’s after braving the mall, I was content. Yes, I was going to be single for Valentine's Day, but life was still good. And I would be buying candy (Trader Joe’s has the best jelly beans, ya know?).

It took a few seconds for it to sink in that a total stranger had said something so mean—all I could think was “Whaaat? Did that really just happen?” As I got into my truck, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Had I been transported to an alternate Mean Girls universe?

I was left wondering, “Why are women so mean to each other?”

The flowers were intended as an early Valentine's gift for my mother. But yes, I was going to enjoy them too. Maybe I had bought the flowers because I needed to feel better about myself, but what was so wrong about that?

As much as I would like to be that strong, modern woman who doesn’t blink at being single on Valentine's, I’m not that girl. In the previous months, a friendship that showed the potential to blossom into a relationship had fizzled, so I was left feeling passed over. This woman looked me straight in the face and pointed out my insecurities.

But she made me realize something; just because I am single does not mean that I am a lesser person than her.

This woman knew nothing about my life or whom those flowers were for. When I told my friend, she came up with three snappy come backs in quick succession:

“These are for my daughter; she’s in the hospital.”

“No, these are for my husband’s grave”

“You’re right! That’s exactly what they’re for. And you clearly need a flower to feel better about yourself too, so here you go.” 

But snappy comebacks are not what life is about and that last one would probably hit close to the truth. If she felt the need to wipe that smile off my face, then clearly there was something going on her life that left her feeling inadequate. So I tell myself to pray for her, let it go, and remind myself never to be that person.

I don't think female relationships have necessarily always been like this.

Why are women mean to each other? In The Bonds of Womanhood: “Woman’s Sphere” in New England 1780-1835, Nancy Cott, a professor of American History and gender topics at Harvard University, looks at the private writings of post-Revolutionary woman to find the origin of American Feminism.

But she also found something else interesting. The creation of separate spheres—making "women's work" and "men's work"—intensified their identity and unified women. What Cott calls the "canon of domesticity" gave women the impression that they shared a special destiny. In her research, Cott discovered that the women of this era had unusually strong friendships.

They viewed each other as sisters and supported each other's endeavors, dreams, and day-to-day life. Some women even viewed these friendships as the deepest emotional bonds they had in life—even more than their bond with their husbands. Nowhere in these letters did Cott find a woman denigrating the appearance or housekeeping of another woman. 

So what has changed?

Why did women in the late 18th and early 19th century—at least those that left written records of their lives—treat each other so much better than women today?

It's certainly true that women look at everything as a competition. We all want to be the prettiest, the smartest, the most talented, and the most popular girl. I'm guilty of competing with other women in my own life, and this certainly wasn't the only time another woman cut me down to make herself look better—although it was the most blatant.

Our culture may have made women more aggressive, but that doesn't mean that we need to give in to the temptation to bully other women; we have the option and the duty to be in control of our actions. So, ladies, I challenge you to do something nice today for another woman—let’s build each other up instead of tearing each other down.