You're Not Responsible for My Feelings, but You ARE Responsible for This
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“I’m sorry you feel that way, but other people’s feelings aren’t my responsibility.”
A now ex-boyfriend said it after I told him how something he had done had bothered me. And I don’t disagree with him. I am happy to remind you that it isn’t your problem or your fault if the person you’re dating is sad or mad or anxious.
But I should also remind you that it is your loved one’s responsibility to root out what’s toxic to him or her. And what he or she roots out might be you if you don’t fulfill your own responsibilities.
No, you aren’t responsible for how other people feel. But you do have responsibilities.
You are responsible for respecting other people’s boundaries, for being honest, for being considerate, for loving others.
When somebody says “I feel angry when you do ABC,” he or she isn’t blaming you for an emotion. He or she is holding up a mirror, giving you feedback, pointing out your behavior’s impact.
Your temptation might be to accuse your partner of expecting you to manage his or her emotions, but your partner is actually asking you to manage yourself and to help him or her manage your relationship's dynamics. It’s an opportunity to strategize together—to figure out how to coexist.
You reject that opportunity when you say “other people’s emotions aren’t my responsibility.” That is true, but in that moment, it’s irrelevant.
It is relevant to say that when you do set healthy boundaries—like when you tell your mom she can’t come over unannounced anymore and she gets mad about it. How she feels isn’t your responsibility.
But when your significant other is giving you feedback about your behavior, he or she isn’t talking about others’ emotions. He or she is talking about your actions. A good way to honor your loved one’s courage to confront you is to stay on topic.
If you’re uncomfortable at the thought, good. You should be.
This isn’t going to be easy, but it’s part of discernment (and in marriage, it’s part of refinement). The impact your actions have on others might be surprising or disappointing. It might not align with your self-image or your intentions.
But your intentions don’t negate your impact, and your impact is good information for you. It’s information only others can give you.
It is always hard to learn how your behavior has hurt or angered or annoyed someone. And what hurts or angers or annoys others might not make sense to you. That isn’t because they’re overreacting. It’s because you haven’t been through what they’ve been through. It's because they aren't you.
It might be that for the rest of your girlfriend’s life, ABC causes her pain because of a past experience. I’d encourage you to consider what it says about you if you're more willing to ask her to endure the pain than you are to adjust your behavior when she asks you to.
And don't say "love endures all things."
It isn't your girlfriend's love for you that determines what she endures—it's her love for God that determines it. And God doesn't call us to endure a boyfriend or girlfriend's behavior if it's hurtful.
It is complicated when your partner feels hurt because you pushed a button rooted in a wound. But what do you think your reaction to your partner’s feedback is probably rooted in? Yes, your significant others should identify their own wounds and work toward healing. But so should you.
Other times, the tension isn’t rooted in a wound. It might be rooted in temperament. Maybe your significant other finds XYZ annoying and you do XYZ all the time. When he or she asks you to stop, the choice is yours. You don’t have to.
You do, however, have to admit a couple of truths.
First, if your girlfriend or boyfriend says your behavior is doing damage but you're committed to behaving that way anyway, you're probably not a match.
And second, your significant other is probably aware that what bothers us about each other before marriage doesn't get better after marriage. It is your right to decide not to adjust for him or her in this way. But it is your significant other's right to decide he or she doesn’t want to be with someone who won’t.
And if that's what happens, you'll be fine.
But for the sake of future relationships, it'll be worthwhile to consider: Yeah, some significant others end relationships because they neglect their own responsibilities. But did your significant other end it because you neglected yours?
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