What to Do if Your Friend Is Dating a Jerk

Jerks. Dating would be so much easier without them.

“Jerk” covers a wide range of behaviors for both genders. A jerk could be mean or manipulative. A jerk could be passive-aggressive or prideful. Either way, it’s hard to see a friend date a jerk. So, if you find yourself in that situation, here’s what you can do about it:

Check your perception.

This is an important first step. It’s possible you misheard something or misunderstood something this person did. Before you label this person a jerk, you need to put them through the jerk test.

The jerk test makes sure your perception is correct. You don’t want to jump the gun on labeling someone a jerk. You can identify jerk behavior in three easy steps. It needs to be firsthand, consistent, and harmful.

Firsthand means you need to see the jerk behavior yourself. Don’t trust a second-hand account right away, especially if that person is biased or likes to gossip. Consistent means the behavior is not just a one-off deal. They weren’t just in a bad mood, that’s just how they are. Third, it needs to be harmful. Everyone has consistent flaws, but a jerk actively harms the person they’re with. If the person your friend is dating checks these boxes, they are officially a jerk.

Talk to your friend one-on-one.

Now that you have your official results from the jerk test, you can actually bring it to your friend. If you list your firsthand accounts of consistent behaviors that harm your friend, it can be hard for them to deny. 

Tell them about the firsthand account in brute facts. Don’t say “He was rude at your birthday party.” Say, “At your birthday party he said…” Then do this a few more times to show the behavior is consistent. Finally, bring up the harm done to your friend. Say, “I believe this behavior is hurting you in this way…”

Giving your friend the result of the jerk test does two things. First, it helps them see red flags they might not have seen before. Second, it gives them agency to make a decision about it. If you walk in and say “You should break up with her because she…” they will feel defensive and probably won’t react well.

Bring some backup.

If the jerk test fails once, get a trusted friend or two to do it as well. Make sure they gather their own firsthand, consistent, harmful behavior without your input. The more unbiased jerk tests the better. Send them this post or teach them how to do a jerk test, then bring the results to your friend.

The most important part of this step is to avoid gossip. There is a difference between discussing what needs to be done about someone’s problem, and gossip. Usually, we gossip because we want to feel better about ourselves. So, if at any point the conversation devolves into “I’m glad my relationship isn’t like…” or “I would never do…” you should probably move on. Say, “Yeah this conversation isn’t helping X’s situation. Let’s move on.”

Keep being their friend…with boundaries.

If all of this fails, and they keep dating the jerk, it can be tempting to just throw up your hands and give up on the friendship entirely. Don’t do this. Especially if the jerk in question is emotionally manipulative. Cutting off the friendship could serve to further isolate an already isolated person.

Instead of completely giving up on them, invite them to hang out more often, but without the jerk. Invite them to a guys night/girls night or a one-on-one hangout where it’s clear the jerk isn’t invited. If you get pushback from the jerk, don’t stop reaching out to your friend.

The most important thing to make sure you do if your friend is dating a jerk: make sure your friend knows they are not alone. Relationships like this usually end badly and when that happens, your friend will need your friendship more than ever. (Oh, and don’t say “I told you so.”)

While it can be difficult to see someone you care about be with a jerk, have courage! Push through the discomfort! At the end of this, your friend will learn two valuable lessons: That they shouldn’t date a jerk and that they can always depend on you.