What Does Verbal Abuse Actually Look Like?
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A short disclaimer: While multiple different personality disorders can cause emotional abuse, this article does not attempt to diagnose. Here we focus on differences between normal conflict and conflict patterns that might point to unhealthy relationship patterns. Links provided at the end to videos by Dr. Ramani and Dr. Les Carter, licensed psychotherapists who specialize in personality disorders.
Verbal abuse can be VERY difficult to spot, especially in the dating world.
I’ve talked before about recognizing the early signs of emotional abusiveness in your dates. Check out that article for an overview of what might cause someone to be abusive, and why it matters when you’re dating! Today, I’d like to lay out how to recognize verbal abuse (which is a form of emotional abuse) in an argument.
In those early days of dating, there probably aren’t any arguments to be found. But this changes the longer you date an abuser. Why? Disagreements are not only where all of us show our true colors, but they are also how an abuser gains the most control over their significant other.
Before we get into the examples, let’s cover several trends of arguing with a verbal abuser.
(And yes, we’re looking at trends, not just one instance of behavior! This type of abuse is found in patterns, not in someone’s one really bad day.) As this writer states in Psych Central, “When the escalation shifts . . . to someone repeatedly imposing hurtful words, sentiments, or judgments on someone else . . . . this could be verbal abuse territory.”
The first trend is a constant you-versus-me mentality. The abuser thinks there’s only one right side, and anything else is wrong, even if they pretend to think otherwise. Another trend is an abuser’s emotions become the predominant problem instead of the issue at hand; abusers use emotional tantrums as a way to gain control over other people.
An abuser will also rarely, if ever, take responsibility for what they said or did, and will even go as far as to twist your words (or their own!) to excuse their behavior. Verbally abusive arguments are also characterized by an overwhelming sense of blame and guilt. This is because arguments are a prime tool for the abuser to gain more control over their subject.
All right, now that you know the trends to watch for, let’s get into some specifics!
Let’s go over five classic phrases abusers use in an argument, and then check out the appropriate ways to talk about the same things.
1.“If you really cared about me, you would act this way!” Or “If you weren’t so selfish, I wouldn’t be so upset.”
Abusers like to take a situation and turn it into a personal attack against someone’s character. It’s a really easy way to escape taking responsibility for their own issues! This type of blaming is a classic abuse tactic meant to shame the other person into excusing the abuser’s behavior. It also redirects the argument to be focused not on the issue at hand, but into a trial for the worthiness of the other person. This creates a context of accusation, personal attacks, and casting blame, instead of encouraging cooperation towards a solution.
A healthy arguer will be able to focus on the issue at hand, and not blow the whole thing into a character issue. For instance: “Next time, would you be willing to tell me if you have to stay late at work? I really would appreciate you remembering to tell me.” Or “I felt brushed aside when you decided this without me–I think we need to find a better way to deal with unexpected events.”
In either of these cases, it would be easy to accuse someone of not caring about you or having a big moral flaw. But the appropriate thing to do is focus on the issue and possible solutions, instead of jumping to sweeping judgments about character. See the difference?
2.“I’m sorry; but you really need to learn to see things my way.” Or “I’m sorry. But you started it.”
If every apology comes with a tacked-on excuse, blame, or criticism, red flag. An apology with backhanded manipulation techniques is not an apology at all—it is a way to save face without actually taking responsibility. Verbal abusers do apologize, and often it sounds genuine. But it usually comes with at least one reason why they’re not the ones at fault, no matter how sad they sound. Don’t mistake this for real repentance. True apologies are: “I’m sorry, will you forgive me?” or “I owe you an apology.” Simple expressions of remorse are just that. Simple.
3.“Why do you always do this?” Or “You never follow through!”
‘Always’ and ‘never’ are dangerous words to throw around in a confrontation. Typically, if someone is constantly using these words, it points to the arguer’s difficulty—or sometimes, incapability—of being rational about a situation. ‘Always’ and ‘never’ have a tendency to blow the argument out of proportion and into the world of sweeping character judgments. (Remember the first example?) An abuser will use these terms to cast guilt, to confuse someone, or make a person doubt themselves entirely. This gives them more power over their significant other, and often, the victim doesn’t even realize it.
Appropriate ways to express long-held frustrations could look more like: “I feel like I am picking up your socks a lot—is there a way we can work on that?” Or “I would really like to go out on some fun dates again. What do you say to this weekend?” Again, notice how the language is based on the situation and is looking for solutions, rather than spiraling into a blow-by-blow fight.
4.“I can’t believe you don’t agree with me!” Or “How could you be so stupid to think that?”
Different ways of thinking about something is inevitable in every single relationship. The problem really arises when one or both parties takes a difference of opinion as a free pass to be demeaning or insulting. Sometimes, you will discover how a major difference of opinion, such as having children or believing in Catholicism, will be a dealbreaker. But these issues should still be discussed with respect for each other.
Talking about differences in a healthy way might look like: “Wow, I had no idea we were on such different pages. Can we take turns explaining why we each think this way?” Or “You seem really passionate about this topic—please tell me more.” Notice how these phrases don’t focus on who’s right or wrong, but it focuses on a much better approach: respectfully understanding each other. Knowing where each other stand is the imperative prerequisite to making decisions, no matter how big or small the issue turns out to be.
5.“Don’t you dare walk away from me.” Or “Nobody’s going anywhere until we figure this out.”
There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking a break to cool off. Unfortunately, that’s the last thing abusers want, because they find their power in emotional torments and manipulative control over the other person. If someone insists you have to ‘fight it out’ then and there, this is a very bad sign. Taking a break for fifteen minutes, a couple of hours, or even a whole day is a reasonable approach if emotions are getting too high. (Obviously, there is a difference between taking a break before revisiting the issue versus avoiding a confrontation entirely. A topic for a different post!)
A healthy arguer is much more likely to accept a pause, or even suggest it, if an argument is getting nowhere: “I am starting to get pretty stressed out, so I’d like to take a twenty minute walk and then come back to this.” Or “Can we talk about this tomorrow? We’ve had a hard day and this isn’t an emergency.”
Finally, if any statements like these are paired with “It’s just because I care about you and our relationship so much,” RED FLAG. Caring about a person or a relationship is not an excuse for angry, abusive, controlling behavior. It might feel good in the moment to think someone is so romantically possessive of your relationship, but it is a sign that your significant other is dangerous.
Again, I’d like to reiterate how patterns like the ones we’ve discussed are where concerns lie; if you are dating someone and see unhealthy trends in how they deal with conflict, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship.
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