Toxic Mindsets That Single Men Need to Let Go Of

Dating is frustrating. There is a lot of waiting, dashed hopes, and coping with rejection. It feels a lot like gambling, with intense highs and crushing lows.

The ups-and-downs of dating can make men develop some toxic attitudes in the process. Here are the five toxic attitudes you should avoid (and what to do if you have them!)

"Girls don't want nice guys!"

This is the most common mindset, because it often comes after a guy’s first experience with rejection. She rejected you (the nice guy) for another guy. Since we are all perfect angels in our own imagination, there must be something wrong with her and more importantly, wrong with him.

We want to find something wrong with that guy so we can blame him (and her) for our broken hearts. You have to resist this temptation. There is no such thing as a completely bad guy (or a completely good guy, for that matter.) She must see something in him.

My honest-to-goodness advice for this is to pray for that guy. Say a Hail Mary every time you see him and say an extra one as a penance every time you think something mean about him. Praying for your enemies over time will slowly turn them into friends.

"Girls have it easier in dating..."

This one is specific to dating apps. There’s the perception that there are too many men on dating apps vying for too few women. This leads to another toxic mindset, that girls get more matches than men, and therefore have an easier time on the app.

Ironically, the perception is often switched in real-life scenarios. There tend to be more women at churches, in colleges, and at other community events than men. So this perception is false, women don’t have it easier than men. But the toxicity goes deeper than the falsehood.

This mindset is toxic because it focuses on things outside of your control. “Girls have it easier, so that’s why no one is matching me. I can’t change that so I guess I’ll give up.” When you adopt this mindset, you adopt a victim mindset and you’ll feel stuck.

“I’m not getting a lot of matches…what’s wrong with me?” Maybe nothing!

Remember, everyone on a dating app (even you!) is operating off of first impressions. Don’t take it personally when someone doesn’t match you back. They aren’t rejecting you, they’re rejecting your profile. Touch up your profile a bit to make a better first impression.

"Girls only care about ___ ."

Pick your poison for this one, I’ve heard it all. Girls only care about money, height, looks (specifically “having an eight-pack,”) a sense of humor, etc. Coincidentally, the thing girls care about is always something not possessed by the person saying the sentence.

This is because when we say this, we are projecting. Secretly, we want that thing. We want to be taller, richer, and better looking. We want all the abs we can get. Eight-pack, six-pack, heck I’ll take a four-pack if I can get it!

This comes from a place of insecurity. You feel insecure that you can’t get that unattainable weight, salary, or height, so you turn it into a bad thing.

To remedy this, recognize that you care about these things. Take it to prayer and ask God to reassure you that you are worthy without them.

"Girls are inherently purer than guys."

It is true that a woman’s sexual desire works differently than a man’s. Women tend to be slower to arouse than men. This is true for sexual desire and sometimes even romantic desire. This does not mean, though, that women are inherently more chaste than men. If the desire is sinful, it doesn’t matter how fast or slow you desire it. It’s still a sin.

So why do men have this idea that women are purer?

I suspect it’s because we want someone else to set our boundaries for us. We want someone else to bear the responsibility for setting limits on physical affection. This is unfair because both should bear responsibility.

It’s also dangerous because it trains your mind to think of romantic attraction as something you have to “convince” your girlfriend into. This introduces antagonism into the relationship. Not good.

To fix this mindset, pray for purity for yourself. Chastity is a virtue, a habit. It grows over time with God’s grace and your practice.

"Girls have to do ___ to be feminine."

Similar to the mindset above (that girls only want X), this mindset varies from man to man. Coincidentally, the thing a woman “has to do” to be feminine is always something the speaker finds attractive.

The reason men adopt this mindset is also similar to the one above. We are insecure in our own masculinity, so we place high expectations on femininity.

If you have opinions like this about femininity, I want you to place yourself in her shoes. There are cultural expectations of “what it means to be a man,” too. How do those make you feel?

They likely fill you with anxiety. A lot of “traditional” expectations of masculinity include some of those things mentioned earlier (money, height, looks, etc.) It’s hypocritical to resist these expectations for masculinity but have the same expectations for femininity.

In the end, sweeping generalizations like this about women are always false. They come from a place of anger or frustration, and those feelings are valid. What is not okay is taking out those frustrations on women as a whole. Women in general are not to blame for the wounds you’ve received while dating.