Why Would Someone Love You, If You Don't Love Yourself?
26
Editor’s Note: I’ve decided to use the 40 days of Lent to reflect on the questions from the St. Raphael prayer card. The 12 questions are a small reminder to improve myself every day so that I can build good habits to prepare myself for marriage. Just starting your Lenten plan? It’s not too late. You can read the entire series here. This week I’m reflecting on the question: Do I believe that I am worth loving?
This week I had the privilege of meeting a group of college students who were taking an alternative Spring break. Instead of vacationing at the beach, these students chose to spend their week doing work projects and having time for spiritual reflection and prayer.
While I was having dinner with them, they found out that I work for the CatholicMatch Institute. We talked about dating and I was interested to hear their perspectives. They too thought it was hard to meet people and many of them wondered if there was something wrong with them because they hadn’t been on any dates lately.
I guess we struggle with the same fears no matter what age we are.
They shared some insecurities about dating and one student shared she was reluctant to go to campus events because she felt nervous going alone. She further revealed that she didn’t really believe that others enjoyed her company anyway.
This broke my heart. These young women are smart, beautiful, and very talented, but they aren’t convinced of their own true dignity.
When we doubt that we are truly lovable, we will also doubt that we are worthy of love. This is a huge barrier in finding your spouse. If you don’t believe you are worthy of love, you will close your heart and block others from getting close to you. When you don’t believe you are lovable this lack of confidence will show through. It is like you wear a sign on your forehead: “heart closed” and “unavailable.”
To be ready for someone to love us, we must be convinced that we are truly worthy of that love. If we don’t believe that we are worthy of love, how can we convince ourselves?
1. Believe that you are worthy of love. The first step is to remember that we are made in the image and likeness of God. Our very being reflects the creator and our dignity is always at 100%. So what does this mean? It means that no matter how we feel, we need to remember and believe that our lives have meaning and importance.
Action item: Here is a tip that I learned from a Catholic psychologist. Write down on a piece of paper your name, eye color, height, favorite song, parents’ names, siblings’ names, etc. Look at your list. These are the things that make you—you. You don’t need to be doing anything. You could be sleeping and everything on the list would be the same. That means just by being you, you reflect the fact that you are made in the image and likeness of God and are worthy of great love.
What if you still don’t feel like you are worthy of great love? On those days that I don’t feel 100%, I look at that paper. Did anything change? I am still Robyn. I still have blue eyes. I’m still 5’5 and ¾. I may feel miserable, but I look at the aspects that make up who I am and I remember that my dignity will always be 100% even if my gauge is broken.
2. Open your heart to others. One way to open your heart to others is to allow yourself to be open to God’s unconditional love. No matter how broken, or how flawed we seem, we have a God that loves us so intensely that he is closer to us even than our own breath! If God stopped thinking about us, even for one moment we would cease to be. God didn’t create us and then leave us to figure it out on our own; he is active in our lives. He cares about the details and wants you to let him into your life.
I shared with my spiritual director that I was struggling with believing that God actually cared about my life. Because of my sins and past failures, I believed that I was unworthy of God’s love. I was not always faithful and sometimes I did the opposite of what God wanted for me, so why would he continue to love me? Why would he care for someone like me?
Action item: My spiritual director asked me to read Matthew 26:6-13. This passage is about the woman who poured costly oil over Christ’s head. She was not stingy with the oil either. She held nothing back and poured out an abundant amount of oil; it flowed over Christ’s head and filled the room with a lovely fragrance.
Think about this scene. This is how I imagine it: People were looking at her. They were doubting her motives. She could have held back out of fear of what people would think of her, but she didn’t. She took a risk and gave it all. And she was even ridiculed for her action."Why this waste? It could have been sold for much, and the money given to the poor” (Matthew 26:8-9). They were critical of her actions and made fun of her generosity.
I’m sure she was crushed. She took a risk for love and now she was criticized and accused of being wasteful. She could have run away and closed her heart even tighter—never again to take a risk for love.
But she didn’t.
She waited. She held her gaze on the Lord. She held her confidence that her act of great sacrifice and love wouldn’t go unnoticed.
So what happened?
Jesus met her gaze. He knew her heart—and he defended her. “Why do you make trouble for the woman? She has done a good thing for me. ... Amen, I say to you, wherever this gospel is proclaimed in the whole world, what she has done will be spoken of, in memory of her.”
I want you to reflect on this passage (or John 12:3-8 or Luke 7:36-50). If you don’t have a Bible, print out a verse from online. Sit in your room, a quiet place, or in the Eucharistic adoration chapel. Picture yourself as that woman. Allow yourself to believe that Jesus himself would defend you in front of all those people. Believe that, just by being you, you are worthy of the love of the creator of the universe.
You may feel that your sins are too great. Your faults are too large. Remember that there is no sin that Jesus can’t forgive. If you carry the weight of sin or there are things you want to talk about. Go to confession. Lent is a perfect time for renewal. Many churches will have extra confession times or a Lenten mission with confession. Look at your parish bulletin or call your parish to find out the confession times.
Our Heavenly Father is waiting for your return. He cares so deeply for you that he pursues you and goes out looking for you.
I know it seems indulgent or you may feel conceited saying that you are worthy of such extravagant love. But believe it—because it is true.
The King of Peace is knocking at the door of your heart. Will you open the door?
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