This Might Be the Reason You Keep Dating the Wrong Men!
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Do you often ask yourself questions or tell yourself statements like these?
“Why do I always end up with guys who are no good for me?”
If this (think Catherine Zeta-Jones’ character in The Terminal) sounds like you, perhaps you’ve been in multiple relationships or at least on many dates with men who don’t meet your standards. Perhaps they disrespected you, failed to commit, or pressured you for premarital sex. If that’s been your experience, those men likely (at best) wasted your time and/or (at worst) left some serious wounds in their wake.
“What’s the point of trying to find a great guy? Even if I found one, he wouldn’t be interested in me.”
If this is more your style (think Toula from My Big Fat Greek Wedding), maybe you’re disinclined to put much effort into your profile or your physical appearance, telling yourself (consciously or subconsciously) that you have nothing to offer, so it’s not worth it putting yourself out there. In turn, you’ve likely been unimpressed with the quality and/or quantity of men contacting you.
Would you believe that in both these scenarios low self-esteem could be the common denominator sabotaging your dating and relationship success? Perhaps low self-esteem has been part of your story in the past, but that’s not to say it must have a place in your future. You have options.
Letting go of low self-esteem.
Does that seem not right, letting go of low self-esteem? Do you think the real task is gaining positive self-esteem? Bear with me as I share an example that will seem unrelated…until the end.
Two years ago, I miscarried my third child. Three months later, I felt healed enough to try to conceive again and thankfully our fourth child is now one year old. When I was pregnant with him, I felt very anxious and not very excited. I asked a counselor when and how I would feel excited about this baby. She reassured me that rather than manufacturing maternal joy, it was already inside of me, but grief and fear were covering it up. With healing and time, she assured me, the joy would come. And you know what? She was right.
Back to you now. Similarly, the real task ahead of you may be shedding the layers of fear, hurt, and anything else that’s settled on top of the innate confidence every young child possesses. To let go of low self-esteem, consider….
Counseling
If anxiety and/or depression have been part of your experience (as they’ve been part of mine and many other people’s), seek out the aid of a solid Catholic counselor to explore how your past might be impacting your present such that you can choose differently in your future. (Directories are here and here). Fortunately, teletherapy has expanded your options from “hopefully someone good lives close by me” to “the sky’s the limit,” so long as you have an internet connection.
Maybe you figure that you shouldn’t “need” counseling because you’ve never experienced a horrific trauma like rape or physical abuse. But Catholic psychotherapist Maureen O’Connell clarified in an interview “People come to therapy for many reasons besides trauma or a crisis. So often people need help understanding more about their relationship patterns that stem from family of origin issues, not necessarily trauma or abuse. In therapy, people have the opportunity to explore connections between the past and current unhealthy thinking and behavior patterns. I have seen people’s lives and relationships transformed by gaining insight into themselves and learning how to have healthy boundaries in all areas of life.”
Going to Jesus
Why didn’t I mention going to Jesus first? Isn’t that most important? Of course, what Christ has to say to you about your worth is most important. But without adequate human formation, which counseling can be a component of, our spiritual growth can be hindered. We may need help to recognize the lies that we’ve come to believe about ourselves so that we can reject them and hear His voice.
Let’s say you’re working on the human formation aspect via counseling (see above) and/or coaching (see below). Set aside purposeful time for silence in your week to listen to His voice in prayer. An easy but powerful journaling prompt is “Where did I see God in my life today/this week?” Spiritual reading on discernment (this book comes highly recommended, and I’ve read the version for married couples) can also help you see where and how Christ is speaking in your own life.
Attend daily Mass if possible, and weekly (or more often!) Adoration, even if you can only swing 15 minutes rather than a whole hour. And for goodness’ sake, get in His word! Get your hands on a Bible (a friend gave me this beautiful journaling Bible) or check out the Lectio Divina feature in the Hallow app (conveniently available in time frames from 5 to 30 minutes long) or another Catholic prayer app.
Coaching
Ahhh, coaching. Back in the day, I turned up my nose at the idea of life coaches. Who did they think they were, “coaching” other people on how to live? And what poor saps would possibly go to them for advice? Funny how life humbles you over time, huh?
I’ve learned in the past year just how immensely valuable Catholic coaching can be, addressing and correcting chronic unhelpful thought patterns in order to “take every thought captive” for Christ so that we can become who He has called us to be (2 Corinthians 10:5). Like counseling, gaining human formation can dispose us to experience greater spiritual growth, leading to a virtuous cycle of receiving Christ’s love for us and in turn opening up more of our lives and selves to His loving and healing gaze which leads us to receive even more of His love, and so on.
Just one of the helpful gems I received from a Metanoia Catholic Academy coaching session was learning to ask myself the question “What am I making this mean about me?” in response to negative emotions. For instance, if I found myself ruminating on a conversation with a family member or a negative interaction with a co-worker, I could ask this question in order to uncover the lies I was choosing to believe about myself. Coaching can also be helpful for differentiating thoughts versus feelings (a helpful basic explainer of thoughts vs. feelings is here).
Getting (better) friends
Iron sharpens iron. You’ve probably already heard this Bible verse (many times?), and with good reason—it communicates a timeless truth. The people that you surround yourself with have a real impact on your outward decisions and also your internal thoughts.
When my husband and I helped with Pre Cana marriage prep retreats, we always asked the couples to think about the marriages of those around them—in their families of origin and in their friend circles. We asked them to consider “If our marriage looked like the marriages of those nearest and dearest to us, would we be fulfilled by it in 10, 20, 30 years?”
Take a look at your friend circle. Are your friends encouraging you onwards in the pursuit of holiness and personal growth? Do you come away from your interactions with them with a lighter heart and a determination to become a better person? Will they offer you gentle and honest feedback if they see you drifting into bad habits or dating a man who is not worthy of you?
If you recognize that your friendships aren’t leading you towards Christ, ask Him to point you to one good new friend. Look around you at church or Bible study or a community service organization. Who else is there?
Yes, you can find a good man!
Ladies, I’ve written it before and I’ll write it again: yes, you can find a good man. Whatever your past decisions or relationships or temptation to not even try may have been, none of that has to dictate what’s ahead.
Sacramental marriage is a big, beautiful, incredible gift—a gift worth shedding old habits and unhelpful thought patterns for, a gift worth pursuing growth in human and spiritual formation for, so that you can freely embrace the wild fullness of your unique vocational call.
Find Your Forever.
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