When You Don’t Get The Apology You Need

When the person who wronged us has no interest in making things right, it hurts. Whether recovering from a toxic relationship, an unceremonious break-up, or even the everyday miff of a rude or insensitive person, not being seen, heard, or understood by another can be additionally wounding.

My husband of fifteen years is also my childhood sweetheart. Cute, huh? Most people say “awww” when they find this out, but the reality is, my future husband was not exactly quality relationship material when he was a teenager. (Who is?) There were several years of no contact in between our casual off-and-on relationship in adolescence and the serious courtship that lead to marriage.

Here’s what changed.

When we found each other again over email, one of the first and most significant things he did was to offer me an apology. I was astonished, not only because his apology was so genuine and heartfelt, but also because no one had ever apologized like that to me before. Ever.

The idea of someone willing to not only admit, but take ownership of fault and feel genuine remorse was completely foreign to me. I grew up in a toxic home, where the only apologies offered, if any, were the insincere, manipulative variety. Pathologically speaking, my parents were incapable of remorse and empathy, so discovering it in my future husband was a happy shock and surprise. By my mid 20’s, I thought I had moved on from my abusive childhood and had already resigned myself to moving through life without getting the apologies I needed. For this reason, receiving this particular apology was incredibly healing.

Surviving a toxic relationship is a harrowing experience. By definition, toxic people will attack, deny, or blame shift when confronted about their less than desirable behavior. Being on the receiving end of this form of manipulation long enough, it can damage one’s perception of self to the point of anxiety, depression, or PTSD.  So what can we do when people who hurt us deny culpability?

1.Honor your own experience.

You can help yourself heal by acknowledging your own perceptions and feelings as valid, even when no one else does. Minimizing or denying your own experience is participation in a lie. Stay true to yourself.

2. Focus on what you can control.

Whether or not someone else feels remorse or chooses to apologize is outside of your own control. Whether or not you choose to stay in a relationship that lacks these qualities is within your control. If empathy and remorse aren’t happening, it’s improbable that the relationship will improve.

3. Take it to God.

Even if no one else sees your pain, God does. Humans mess up, and sometimes it takes a supernatural response to rectify a human error. As much as an admission of guilt or an apology could help in terms of justice and closure, in the most hurtful scenarios, a real apology from a toxic person is unlikely. St. Jude is my favorite intercessor for apologies I’ve lost hope on ever receiving.

4.Watch out for anyone who denies fault but demands forgiveness.

Some abusers will play the Christian forgiveness card, demanding forgiveness while they simultaneously reject fault or wrongdoing. Those who refuse their own culpability cannot receive forgiveness, not even from God. If you have been wronged, you must decide for yourself whether an offer of forgiveness helps your own path of healing. In some serious cases of abuse, premature forgiveness can actually hinder the healing process. For others, making the choice to forgive can be freeing. The important distinction is that it is a choice motivated by you, not something the person who hurt you demands of you.