Is Your Job Preventing You From Getting Married?

God has a sense of humor. He must think it entertaining that I be asked to write an article on balancing work with relationships. Anyone who knows me well would likely find it quite amusing that I’m writing on anything related to time management, since they probably wish they could give me some lessons on the subject…

I’m the sort of person who walks into the confessional and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I tend to cram too much into my life. I am still working on not being late so I don’t inconvenience other people…” Thankfully, somewhere it says that God doesn’t call the qualified, but qualifies the called.

How important is spending time on relationships?

Relationships compel us to deal with the question of time—and not only because God’s time is invariably different from ours. We’ve all heard it said that time is the most valuable thing we have. Relationships highlight that truth and force us to evaluate and prioritize it. I, for one, had planned to be married long ago and be spending my days and nights raising darling offspring. Hence, if anyone asked, I was sure I had my priorities straight:

1) God

2) Spouse/family

3) Work

Of course, work is necessary to live. I get that. But work is the means, not the end. We work to live, not live to work. The goal is to be able to live in order to love—to love God, family, friends and those the Lord puts in our path. In other words, relationships are ultimately more important than accomplishing lots of things.

In theory this all works, but I still didn't get it

I may have had that all straight in my head, but it was startling to realize several years back that it wasn’t all straight in my heart. I recognized that I was basing a lot of my identity on what I achieved instead of who I am. I had to learn the hard way that my worth isn’t dependent on how many hours I put in, especially compared to anyone else. In addition, when confronted with work and time management in a relationship, I had to set myself straight on a few important points:

• Work is important to stay alive and it can contribute positively to society.
• But, marriage is a sacrament and a high calling from God—a vocation!
• This means that in order to get to marriage I have to put developing a relationship above other things in my life.

Having an overdeveloped sense of responsibility as the oldest of nine children, I have had to battle the tendency to regard “useful/productive” activities as more important than things like music, the arts, the outdoors, and of course family and friends (even though I love all of those things). Since spending time with someone in a new relationship is fun, somehow I ended up feeling like it was not as important as “being productive.”

It was a rude awakening to realize that at some level I was viewing my work as “necessary” and a relationship (however much I wanted one) as a “luxury.” I had to remind myself that if marriage is a path to heaven—the means of growing in love, joy, patience etc.—then time spent working on getting to marriage is time very well spent indeed!

Practically speaking, what else does this mean?

• Time and treasure spent where I might actually meet a spouse—whether it be with circles of friends, singles gatherings, volunteer activities, or sites like CatholicMatch—is important.
• When in a relationship, the limited time I have must be adjusted accordingly. The hours I spend developing a relationship have to come from somewhere, so other activities must be whittled down. Maybe I won’t have as much time reading, pursuing my hobbies, just chilling online—or even, being productive working. In fact, sometimes it means “wasting” time on activities I might think are unproductive—things I wouldn’t have made time for on my own, but which mean a lot to the other person.

I’ve heard many a long-married couple talk about how marriage is a continual means of growth—“God’s sandpaper,” which brings to light weaknesses we didn’t even know we had and smooths them out (to put it gently). As a sweet, quiet, delightful friend of mine (who one would imagine is always an angel) put it: she thought she was a pretty good person—until she got married!

We may pray for virtues like humility and patience, and even imagine we have them—but we get the best chance to develop them when we’re in relationship with others.

Learning to love—whether it be a future spouse or friends and family—is not a luxury, but rather a necessity—and definitely worth prioritizing! As St. John Paul II (when he was Fr. Karol Wojtlya) wrote to a friend of his,

“The ability to love authentically, not great intellectual capacity, constitutes the deepest part of a personality. It is no accident that the greatest commandment is to love. Authentic love leads us outside ourselves to affirming others…”

I may not yet be an expert on time management, but if some days I feel unproductive because of time spent for another, I just remind myself that I most likely won’t get extra years in purgatory for spending “too much” time on growing in love. After all, if I have not love….

Anastasia Northrop dedicates her time to promoting John Paul II’s understanding of the human person and studying issues common to single Catholics as the founder and director of the National Catholic Singles Conference (happening this year in Pittsburgh in May, and in Phoenix in September).